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EAA 15 | First Move

Make HIM Make the First Move | Engaged at Any Age

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· July 30, 2019 
· No Comments

EAA 15 | First Move

 

A study shows that 92% of men want women to make a signal and let them know that they’re interested in them. Sometimes, doing that takes guts; it’s just not easy to do. At the same time, you would not want to pass up the chance, especially if you have someone you are really interested in. Muster up your courage and take charge of what you want. Jaki wants you to take note of six tips that will help you make him make the first move.

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Watch the episode here:

Make HIM Make the First Move

I want to give you six tips on how to make him make the first move because I want you to signify interest in someone and I know that takes guts. There’s so much reward to be had in it if you can do it. Beyond the obvious is in getting into a potential relationship, you could walk away having learned something about yourself. When you take more risk in life, the bigger the risk, the bigger the game and you don’t have anything to lose and men are up for this. A study showed that 92% of men what women to signal them or approach them and let them know that they’re interested in them. I want you to take note of these six tips that are going to help you to make him make the first move.

The first tip is to be confident and use that five-second smile. I know this is hard for a lot of you ladies, but it works. I want you to know that it’s not desperate. It’s only desperate if you feel desperate. Focus on the part of you that is confident and knowing that what you want is what you’re going to get. You have to go after what you want. That five-second smile gives him an opportunity to recognize and realize you’re interested in being approached by him. I know it’s challenging, but you have to sit there and notice a man that you’re interested in and when you see him, just give him that smile and sit there and do that. I know it’s uncomfortable while you’re doing it, but you hold that smile and he will either do one of several things.

The bigger the risk, the bigger the game. Click To Tweet

He will either approach you because you gave him the signal. You are letting him know that you’re approachable with that beautiful smile. It’s confident and it lets him know you’re interested in him or he won’t approach you, which means maybe he’s in a relationship. He’s occupied or he’s not interested. It doesn’t matter. You got a lot of information in those five seconds and that’s what you need to stop wasting your precious time. That’s why this is such a valuable tool. Be confident and give that five-second smile and practice it in the mirror. Practice is the key to creation. It’s a key to getting anything you want and it’s the key to getting out of your comfort zone. Make sure you use it. Tip number one is being confident and smile.

Tip number two is I want you to be slightly touchy-feely. What I mean by this is whether you’re trying to get his phone number at the bar or he’s getting yours, you can give him a strong signal and get him to ask you out by touching him. What I suggest is touching his forearm, putting your hand on his hand or on his shoulder. You reach over and you’re saying, “It’s nice to meet you.” Making that physical contact is a subtle form of letting him know that you’re interested in him asking you out. You want to give him these obvious signs to help him to ask you out. Men are just as nervous as you are. As long as you hold back, they’re feeling you’re not interested. Sometimes you need to get out of your comfort zone and take these tips and start to apply them so that you can cut down on the time that you’re single. That’s the whole reason why you’re reading this, to begin with. You’re tired of being single. I want you to like, share and comment on my videos if you’re finding value in them so that other people can find me, because I know I’m helping a lot of women. I want to help everybody get engaged at any age.

I’m going to share with you tip number three, ask for what you want. I know that it’s hard to ask for what you want and it sounds easier said than done. You can simply ask for what you want and you won’t believe how well this goes over. It can sound something like this. Maybe you’re out with your friends and you’re all decided to move on to a new location. All you have to do is say, “We’re going over to the Hard Rock, why don’t you join us?” or “We’re going over to the Hard Rock, why don’t you come?” or, “We’re going over to the Hard Rock, you should join us. You should come.” It’s casual. “You should join us. It’s going to be great. We’ll see you there. We’re heading over there now,” and then you delete. If he shows up, he’s interested. If he doesn’t, it’s no big deal. It’s like you’re reaching out as a friend and checking in to see if he’s interested or not. It sends the right message and that’s the important thing.

You want to send these signals and these messages using these tips, so he gets the signal to ask you out so that you don’t have to be that one that’s pursuing. When you do this, you’re going to expect him to run with the ball and set up the date. You’re not going to set the date up. Let’s say for example, if he does come over because you say, “We’re heading over to the Hard Rock. You should come,” and he comes over there. It’s going to be up to him to ask you out and to pursue it. Maybe you’re listening to music at someplace and there’s a party or something and he’s like, “I love this band. It’s one of my favorite bands.” If you heard that they were coming to San Diego, you can say, “They’re coming to San Diego. We should go sometime.” Just like that. It’s casual, like it fell out of your mouth. You’re not pursuing him. You’re excited. You’re following something that he’s passionate about and you’re making a suggestion. You’re not hitting on him or asking him out. You’re saying, “We should go.” It’s like a figure a speech and then he, at that point, needs to take the hint, pick up the hanky and ask you out. If he doesn’t, that’s okay. You took a risk and you’ve got information from it.

That’s why it’s important to take these risks. Don’t be afraid to feel like you’re getting rejected. It’s a redirection and you have to put yourself out there. As I said, 92% of men want to be approached by women or are okay with being approached by women and encourage it. They’re nervous too and they want a clear signal from you that it’s safe to approach you and it’s safe to ask you out. You’re going to say yes. This is setting it up to help them ask you out. You are helping them by following these tips. Here’s tip number four. This one works and I love this. Let him help you with something. This could be something like if you’re at a bar and he offers to pull out your chair. Say, “Thank you.” Don’t say, “No, I got it,” because that’s an automatic response for a lot of women. They’re like, “No, I got this,” but you’re like, “You don’t get it. You want him to get it.” You’re like, “Thank you so much.” Maybe you’re coming up to the bar and not everything’s in a bar. It could be a Starbucks or anything and you’re standing in line and your hands are full. You could turn to the guy next to you and say, “Would you mind holding this for me for a minute?” He’s going to hold it.

EAA 15 | First Move

First Move: Don’t be afraid to feel like you’re getting rejected. It’s just a redirection towards something better.

 

Give them your briefcase, ask him to hold it. Ask him to hold a shopping bag. Ask him, “Excuse me, can you hand me that please? I can’t reach that,” or, “Would you do this for me?” or, “Would you mind getting the bartender’s attention?” Ask for help. Men respond well to this because they do. They want to help you and you’re giving him an opportunity to do so. That means that he is already setting up to be in that position of being there for you. You’re teeing that up. You could also do something like asking him to look up something on your phone. Maybe you guys are talking and all of a sudden you’re going to leave to the next place. You’re there with your friends or wherever you are. It could be a party. It could be a friend’s. It could be a Starbucks. He has his phone and you don’t have yours. You could say, “Excuse me, would you mind looking something up for me? I’m getting ready to head down to this restaurant, Catania, and I’ve never been there. Do you know where it is or could you give me directions or look at those up on your phone for me?” Then smile. He’s going to look it up on his phone for you and he’s going to talk to you.

You’re going to strike up a conversation and that’s segueing into him possibly asking you out. You’re teeing it up. You’re letting him know you’re interested and you’re open and that’s a big thing. Tip number five and this one’s fun, linger around. Hang out. I did this myself. I’m going to share with you a story that I used the linger tip and it works. Use your time wisely, especially if you see someone that you’re interested in. You want to be subtle about it, but he will notice that you’re lingering and he will take that as a signal if he’s interested in you. The best approach to that is your proximity to him. You want to make sure you’re standing near him or if there’s a group of people you at least are positioning yourself so that you’re closer to him than the other people there so that he gets the sense, the vibe, the feeling that you’re interested in him. That’s the point of it. You linger near him.

My story is I went to a coffee shop. I rode there on my bike. I parked my bike and I was lingering right there at the entrance of the coffee shop. It was outdoor seating and I had gone in and got a cup of coffee and came back. I was lingering because there’s no place to sit. I was hanging out. I had my coffee. I was not on my phone. I was drinking my coffee, listening to the conversation, looking around, smiling to myself and acting happy. Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. I was happy, but it was definitely awkward and I was nervous. I was playing the role of being happy at that moment. In other words, I was projecting happiness outwards. I was smiling and admiring the birds. There were birds in the tree and I was listening to that. I was appreciating life and putting the vibe out there that I was approachable.

There was a guy sitting at a table and he called over to me and said, “Excuse me, would you like to join me?” I’m like, “That would be great.” I sat down and we end up having a conversation, which led to a date. He asked me out, but I did linger. The lingering helps. If you’re in a club, you’re in a bar, you’re in a restaurant or you’re in the lobby or someplace, linger. Stand outside of the elevator and linger with him. Talk to him for a moment. Give him an opportunity to put it together that you were interested in him. That’s why you need to linger. I’m going to give you a final tip. Here’s the way that you can get him alone. Getting him alone is going to send the signal to him that you’re interested in him and have him ask you out. Maybe you are in a room together with a bunch of people. First of all, what you can do is you can draw him away to the side and you can say, “Excuse me, can I ask you a question?” He’ll step aside or away from the group while you engage him in something. You could ask him something about the area. You can ask something that’s relevant to the conversation.

Stop buying into society's restrictions about who should ask who out. Click To Tweet

You can ask them something about a friend, “I know my friend’s birthday’s coming up and I want to surprise them. Do you have any ideas about a gift?” Make sure you have an idea of what you’re going to ask him when you draw him away. You could simply say, “Excuse me, can I talk to you for a minute?” Then he turns away from the group. At that point, you’re making a more intimate connection with him. You’re creating a little bond, which is a great place to go. From that point, he is in a position to definitely ask you out because you made this little connection. You’re on this friendship level, which could easily dovetail into a relationship. I wanted to say that a lot of these tips will help you materialize an opportunity to go on a date. You have to put yourself out there. You have to learn these tips because they will help when you’re out in real life. That’s where it’s all happening. You’re out there and you’re not all online dating. You’re out in real life. When you get out there, you clam up and you freeze up or you run away and you don’t know what to do.

I know that these tips will help you if you follow them and practice them. I also want you to know is to stop buying into society’s restrictions about who should ask who out. I know that I talk a lot about masculine and feminine energy. When we look at where we are now in our society and what the studies are showing is that men are completely okay with being approached, my husband included. I talked to him about it. Before we got married, he was approached by women. He said he was relieved because it let him know at least they were interested and if he approached them, he wasn’t going to get shut down. These six tips are a more subtle form of tips. You’re not outright asking them out, but you’re giving them strong, clear signals that you’re interested in continuing a deeper discussion or a date or something that might lead to a relationship.

I want to tell you about my freebie. I want you to go to SoulmateIQ.com and download my free quick assessment. It’s my Soulmate Assessment. It’s going to tell you what frequency you’re vibrating at and help you get quicker into alignment. I’m going to send you a feminine exercise along with your assessment. This assessment is going to give you some insights into if you’re coming off too needy, if you’re coming off in your masculine energy or if you’re controlling. It’s a quick quiz. It’s going to take you a few seconds.

You’re going to get that delivered directly into your inbox. Take advantage of that. I want to thank you so much for being here and joining me for this episode. I’m sending you lots and lots of love.

 

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Fastest Way To Turn Men Off! | Engaged at Any Age

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· July 16, 2019 
· No Comments

EAA 12 | Fastest Way To Turn Men Off

 

A man cannot hold you as the center of his attention indefinitely. In fact, nobody can. In relationships, we tend to find ourselves asking for constant attention from our partner. However, this could pose a lot of major setbacks in your relationship. Without noticing it, you may end up giving over your significance to how he approves and accepts you. This could turn a man off way faster than you would think. Save yourself and your relationship from falling into this mess as Jaki reveals the fastest way to turn men off so you break the cycle.

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Watch the episode here:

Fastest Way To Turn Men Off!

I wanted to talk to you about the fastest way to turn a man off. It’s probably not what you think but I like to go deep. This is going to be a little bit of a deeper topic. What is the fastest way that we turn men off? I’ll give it to you straight right up front. When we turn the keys of your significance over in dating and relationships, you turn a man off. In other words, it’s that whole thing, “If he likes me, then I like me.” What happens when you turn the keys to your significance over to a man, you’re going to turn them off before you turn them on. A man cannot hold you as the center of his attention indefinitely. It’s impossible. Nobody can. What happens is we start to crave approval and acceptance from a man. When we do that, we are avoiding intimacy with him instead of creating more intimacy. You may not realize this, but your need for winning approval and acceptance of a man plays a large role in how you have given your power away to them.

Parental Figure

This is how we give our power away. It also can make you feel you’re being controlled by them, but they’re not controlling you at all. It’s your own need for their approval and acceptance that’s controlling you. When we do that, when we give over the keys to our significance to a man and crave his approval and acceptance, we turn ourselves into powerless subjects. We subject ourselves to, “Whether he likes me or he doesn’t like me.” That can feel bad, especially when you’re dating. One of the biggest tendencies that arise when you’re in the dating process and in relationships is to unconsciously turn the man that we’re dating or in a relationship with into a parental figure. It may be that your father wasn’t there when you were growing up and you’re unconsciously always looking to find that connection to replace that relationship. What we do is we unconsciously bring our unresolved childhood issues to the dating process. This is common. I’ve been there. I’ve done it myself. We’re looking for this form of approval and acceptance.

Consequently, what happens is we end up feeling controlled by them. What happens is we get confused and wonder why this affects us deeply. It’s like when a man doesn’t call you back. It’s interpreted as signs that he’s not approving of you. You feel all this rejection. All that rejection alters your mood. It can affect your feeling of self-worth too. You can get on this emotional rollercoaster and feel manipulated by men. It can hurt you to the core, especially when a man doesn’t call you back and that doesn’t feel good. We’re hoping unconsciously that they’re going to approve of us. “If he likes me, then I like me.” The worst-case scenario ends up happening is that we resent the people that we share our lives with that don’t give us the approval that we want. That weakens our relationships and it destroys a lot of relationships. What happens is we fail to realize that it’s not them, it’s our own need. It’s our own need for approval that is controlling us. We’re going to go on repeating this pattern over and over again in a relationship until we resolve it, until we resolve these unresolved childhood issues. Even if you do attract a man, it could cause problems for you.

When we give over the keys to our significance to a man and crave his approval and acceptance, we turn ourselves into powerless subjects. Click To Tweet

A man cannot hold you as the object of his attention indefinitely. I don’t expect Michael to hold me as that object 24/7. It’s not possible. In the beginning, when you’re dating, things are exciting and it’s easy to focus a lot of your time. Eventually, there needs to be an ebb and flow and you have to get back to your life. When that’s withdrawn, when that shift happens, it can make women feel insecure, especially if you’re dating and he goes on a trip and he withdraws his attention to you. It can cause you to go through that mood swing because you didn’t realize it, but unconsciously, you were looking for some approval that makes you feel worthy and worthwhile. You have to break the cycle. It’s a vicious cycle to be in and you have to break it. You have to step back from the immediate situation and recognize that this is a pattern that you carry from your childhood. If you think about, as children, we want to survive. We need to survive and it’s a coping mechanism. It’s a survival mechanism to want love and approval from our parents or our caretakers. We expect it. We need it to survive.

This goes on and carries over into our adult life, but we never take a moment to recognize that our real approval and recognition and acceptance has to come from our adult self, not that childish part of us. We have to stop confusing other people’s acceptance and approval of us as love. They’re doing the same thing, looking for approval also. You have to take back your power. I visualize it like having this cord that’s coming out of your heart in the dating process. Unconsciously, you’re trying to plug it into different people in your life. The men you’re dating or your friends because you’re looking for them to validate you, give value to you and give you approval. It never works because they’re struggling to find their own approval. You want to take that cord that’s coming out of your heart trying to plug into them and plug it into your belly button.

You’ve got to power back up because as long as that cord’s swinging around, it’s leaking energy and you’re giving up your power and you become disempowered in the dating process. That would explain these highs and lows you get on that are dysfunctional and that caused you to want to quit dating. You want to pull back, shoot down your heart and then blame them for having the audacity to hurt you. In reality, it was you all along. I know that might sound a little harsh but I always want to empower all of you because you hold the keys to your happiness, to your love, to your worth, to your value. If you can recognize that, that is the first step in healing. Healing accompanies awareness and you have this awareness. Hopefully, that will be a catalyst to start to recognize when you go into that looking for approval, just plug that cord back into yourself.

EAA 12 | Fastest Way To Turn Men Off

Fastest Way To Turn Men Off: You hold the keys to your happiness, your love, your worth, and your value.

Don’t Seek For Approval And Acceptance

To summarize, the fastest way to create emotional intimacy with a man is to not seek his approval or his acceptance. We want to check in and see if we’re a match, if we’re resonating together and if we’re enjoying each other. You’re always holding that approval to yourself because a man finds that confident too. He’s going to be attracted to you when you’re that whole. It’s integrating into being a solid, emotionally-mature, highly-functional woman. You can show up with all your power and that’s what’s most interesting with a man. That’s going to be a way that you create more intimacy because he’s going to recognize that you have a high value. You temper that high value with vulnerability and then you’ve got a lot of intimacy there.

When you do seek approval and acceptance, you do turn yourself into a victim because you hand over your power and your significance to him. A man doesn’t want you to hand over your power and your significance to him. He’s going to be attracted to you because you are significant to yourself. You have to start putting yourself first and from that place go into the dating game. Continue to observe men and see who they show up to be in your life. If you stay in your position and don’t try to give up your power, you’ll quickly discover who they are. It will make your dating process a lot easier, a lot more enjoyable and a lot more fun.

Crash And Burn

I do have a comment from one of my subscribers. I’m always asking you to send me your comments and your questions so that I can answer them. I had one of the gals write me and she said, “One of the two things happen when I’m dating, either I never let my guard down or I jump in feet first and crash and burn. There doesn’t seem to be an in between.” After a crash and burn, she says she’ll go a couple years without dating at all. She said she’s 45 and it keeps getting harder and harder to find someone that she’s attracted to. She even is struggling with having a hard time even talking to men. She feels awkward about the awkwardness about talking to men. She also asked if she’s putting out this vibe. I would say you’re putting out a vibe and it goes with what I’m talking about turning over the keys to your significance. Men will lose interest in that quickly. What you’re seeing is you’re handing over your worth to him and he felt comfortable with that. That’s what creates that awkwardness. He bails because he wants a woman who regards herself in a higher way and holds herself in higher regard.

Our real approval, recognition, and acceptance has to come from our adult self, not that childish part of us. Click To Tweet

You’re in this vicious cycle. If you can recognize it, you hold the key to changing that by starting to love and accept yourself. You have to accept yourself for all the so-called mistakes, for all the experiences you’ve ever had. They’re making you the woman that you’re in the process of becoming. Nothing that I’ve ever done in my life has been a mistake. They’ve all been lessons. A lot of them have been painful. Humbling? Absolutely. Without those experiences, I wouldn’t be the woman that I am now. I see this silver lining. The more and more that I accept myself and approve of myself, the better I feel and the safer I feel. The more relaxed I am in my life and the less I care about what other people think of me. Something that you might want to embrace saying is what other people think of me is none of my business. It doesn’t matter what anybody thinks of you. The only person that matters is what you think of you.

If you think you’re amazing and if you think you’re wonderful because you are, then others will too. Not everybody’s going to like you and not everybody’s going to resonate with me. I do what I do and I lob it out there. Hopefully, some of it sticks and some of you are getting some wisdom and gleaning some nuggets that are helping you. Those of you that don’t resonate, that’s okay too. I’m not trying to please everyone. I’m doing what I feel is right by my values, what I’ve experienced and sharing that. Whether or not that’s received, that’s entirely up to the other person. I disconnect from that. That’s how I can do this is not looking for approval. I follow the feeling. It feels good to share what I’m sharing. It feels good to hold my own sense of self-worth. The gal that wrote me that, I recommend that you start to unconditionally love yourself and unconditionally accept yourself and start to practice that. The simple way you can do that, what I do is I put my hand over my heart and I say, “I love you,” and I mean it.

Looking into the mirror is powerful. You say, “I love you,” and you keep saying it over and over again. You’re going to feel a softening inside. You’re going to feel much safer, much more secure and much more understood. You have to show up and be your own best friend. This is not an easy process. You’ve got to be your own best friend and give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Give yourself what you want someone else to give you and you will feel much better about this dating process. Empower with awareness. Remember that every day, check in with yourself. Give yourself the love that you need and deserve. You deserve to have everything you want out of life. You have to believe that you deserve and you’ll have that. It starts with your belief system, believing that you are even worthy. The more you check in with yourself, connect with yourself in that intimate way by looking in the mirror. Getting close to the mirror and looking right into your eyes and saying, “I love you so much.” The more you do that, the better you feel. It’s very powerful and it’s intimate. You want to become more intimate with yourself because the more comfortable and more intimate you are with yourself, the easier it is for you to go out and date these men that are virtually strangers. Inside there’s calmness. You have to root in yourself a whole lot more.

EAA 12 | Fastest Way To Turn Men Off

Fastest Way To Turn Men Off: A woman that knows her worth knows her value and doesn’t need a man to define her or approve of her.

 

Another visualization I’ll give you and I love this visualization is to imagine yourself as a tree. Imagine your body as having roots that are going all the way down to the center of the earth. They’re wrapping the roots down to the core of the center of the Earth. I like to visualize it that it’s a dense, pink, red vibrating light of energy at the center of the Earth. I visualize my tree trunk shooting all the way down to the center of the Earth. I’m wrapping my roots around Mother Nature and gaining all this beautiful energy from our beautiful planet and pulling that all back up from the center of the Earth. All the way through my feet coming up my legs to the top of my head, then shooting this beautiful beam of white light right out to the top to the central sun. That’s such a powerful visualization. That anchors you between the sun and the center of the Earth. There is so much beautiful energy here on our beautiful planet. Use that energy to empower you to stay grounded and rooted in the be here now, because that’s where your body is and you can use that as your grounding tool.

Busy Energy

I have one more question, “How do you break it? Refocus on our self, staying busy with our lives and validate oneself?” It’s not necessarily so much about staying busy. Staying in that busy energy is avoiding yourself. What you want to do is to validate yourself. Validation means to give value. Give value to your feelings. When you’re feeling a little insecure and little needy, that’s that cord that’s coming out of you that is used to getting external validation from your parents, from people in your life. Constantly redirect that cord back to your belly button and giving yourself what you’re craving from others so that you can feel better faster. You’re not suppressing that. You don’t want to push it down. What happens when you try to push those colorful beach balls that the kids play with at the beach or the water? When they jump on them and they try to push them down, what happens to those beach balls? They pop back up. That’s going to keep popping back up until you finally give yourself what you’re needing, which is your own acceptance and your own approval.

Notice when you’re feeling that vulnerability when you’re feeling a little fragile and then redirect that to yourself. Recognize that you’re the only one who knows you and you’re the only one who will never ever leave you. You will always have you on your side. That’s showing up as your own best friend. I love that because it feels good. When you come from that place that you’re your own best friend, making your needs and wants the priority and not looking for external sources for validation, you feel better faster. Every time you’re doing that, you’re leaking energy. It’s like you’re floating around in a space suit and there are bubbles coming out of your space suit. You’re leaking energy. As soon as you plug that hole, you power back up, you take your power back. That’s what a man is looking for. A woman that knows her worth knows her value and doesn’t need him to define her or approve of her. When you come from that place, then they respect you. They love you. They admire you. That’s something that we all appreciate is that admiration. The admiration comes from the fact that you are taking care of you.

Give yourself what you want someone else to give you. Click To Tweet

I have this saying with my husband, “I’ll take care of me for you if you take care of you for me.” That’s a healthy functional motto that we have in our relationship. We don’t depend on each other emotionally too much. We are two trees standing side by side, not shading each other but two strengths so that we could support each other. That feels so much better because at any given moment during my day, I can take care of my needs. I don’t have to wait until I get home at night to get a need met. I can always go within. Please send me your questions. Anything that’s coming up for you, I won’t use your name if you don’t want me to because I want to help you process and address anything that’s coming up for you to help you move forward so you can get engaged at any age as I did. I’m sending you lots of love. Thanks for being here.

 

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EAA 11 | Attracting A Financially Secure Man

Law Of Attraction: Find A Financially Secure Man | Engaged at Any Age

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· July 16, 2019 
· No Comments

EAA 11 | Attracting A Financially Secure Man

 

When all you want is the best for you, people sometimes take it the wrong way. As you go for gold in your dating life, your efforts can be viewed negatively; most especially when what you are aiming for is attracting a financially successful man. How then can you depart from the bad rep of the term “gold digger” without having to sacrifice your vies on the importance of being financially stable in love? Jaki shares some ways you can attract someone who is financially secure. You may be a successful woman or still figuring life out, but you must not settle for less because you deserve to want things in life.

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Watch the episode here:

Law Of Attraction: Find A Financially Secure Man

I wanted to talk to you about how to attract a financially successful man without appearing greedy. This is a hot topic because I’m tired of the whole gold digger term and how it has a bad name. I think of it as you should dig for gold. Why wouldn’t you go for the best in life? We’d want to give the term gold digging a new meaning behind it because it’s a great term. If you ever watched the Olympics and you see the athletes and how hard they try and they deserve to be in that number one spot for a reason. Getting the gold is important and I want to go for the gold in life. I want the best of the best. That’s what I want for you. I want you to expect that you can get it. Sometimes in that process of going for the gold, it looks like that a woman is gold digging. What that would mean is looking for a man to take care of her and feeling entitled and not giving anything back. That’s where that gold digging term got a bad rap is from women not offering anything in return or a man not feeling appreciated.

The Issue Of Finances

Does money matter when it comes to love? It does. A lot of women who are looking at starting over a new beginning in a relationship, it’s already hard emotionally, but then you add in the money factor, the finances and we all know it’s a big issue. Finding a man that’s financially secure is important because as a successful woman if you have it all together, you want someone who’s right there with you. Those of you who don’t feel that you have it all together, I’m going to cover both sides of that coin. One of the big biggest issues in a relationship can be finances and it can cause a lot of problems. Being transparent upfront is important. I’m going to give you some real-world examples and role model for you and how you can talk about your finances on dates. If you’re looking to meet a man who’s financially successful, but you don’t want to come across as greedy, I want you to know that you’re not. You’re smart and you want someone that’s your equal at least. You want someone that has committed to a path in life that has created abundance.

In order to create that abundance, we all know what it takes. It takes hard work. It takes consistency. It takes foresight. It takes sacrifice. It takes considering the bigger picture. It takes planning. It takes education. There are many factors that go into what it takes and what it means to be a financially successful person. It certainly has a lot to do with the character because that’s how you grow character. How you create a character is by striving, working hard and building something that gives you character along the way. I want all of you to go for the gold, to set your intention to meet a man that is financially successful because that would mean to me that he has contributed or spent a lot of his time planning out carefully and meticulously his future. He thought about perhaps his children and how he wanted them to go to college. How his lifestyle was going to be for him and his family or for himself and what his dreams were. That says a lot about a person and that’s important. It’s important as a woman and it says a lot about me as well and it reflects on me.

You can't quantify your value and worth by a stack of money. Money is love energy made manifest. Click To Tweet

I want to share a little story before I go any further about my history because I always liked to be transparent with you. Some of you might say, “Jaki, how can you share things if you’re so open and transparent?” It’s easy and I’m going to tell you why it’s easy before I tell you what I’m going to tell you. It’s because I’m not identified with what I’m going to tell you. It’s not who I am. It doesn’t define me. At one time in my life, it did define me. I did think it was the role that I was playing. That’s why it’s easier for me to share this with you because I know how much it’s going to benefit you by telling you a little bit about my background. I grew up in an economically-challenged situation. I was from a large family. We were on welfare. I remember standing in line with my mother waiting for powdered milk. That’s a true story. I used to be afraid at night that I wasn’t going to have food the next day. I was scared about that. As you can imagine, I had a lot of fear around money and around lack and scarcity because of that. I also had a drive down deep in my belly that I was going to pull myself out of that and create something fantastic in my life because of that.

The thing that started off to be challenging for me as a child and instilled a lot of fear in me also created the drive that I needed to overcome those financial challenges as a child. This isn’t about my parents. They did the best they could, but things happen. That was my situation. It was important for me to marry a man that was financially successful because I haven’t experienced that as a child. That was a driving force for me. All of you have a different history and that may not be your driving force. When I say driving force, the root cause that caused me to strive to have more and to want a man that was financially successful originated from my childhood and it originated from scarcity and lack and fear. It was a fear-based desire to have money so that I would never have to experience those things again. What I ended up doing was working hard. I got a degree in the school of hard knocks before I graduated from grade school. I had learned through trial and error what worked and didn’t work and started to find success for me even as a child.

Fear-Based Desire

My first job was pulling around my little red wagon selling doilies that I crocheted that went over a Barbie’s body and it covered the roll of toilet paper. That was my first job. I was an entrepreneur when I was six years old. My grandmother taught me how to crochet. From there, I was an entrepreneur. I started making money when I was a little girl and that was my first job. Why I’m telling you this is that you want to look at your motivation and your desire, which is good. I don’t want you to label your desire to have a financially successful man in your life as bad. That desire started as a fear-based desire, but it still drove me to do things in my life so that I wouldn’t have those experiences. More importantly, I wanted my children to have the opportunities that I didn’t have. That was big for me. The family was everything to me because I was from a big family. I wanted a financially successful man because I wanted my children to have the opportunities that I didn’t have or that I had to work hard to get. That’s my history in terms of why I have the opinions I have. These are all my opinion. My perception is based on my life experiences and the education that I have and what I’ve learned and what I’m channeling for my spirit to share with you.

EAA 11 | Attracting A Financially Secure Man

Attracting A Financially Secure Man: If you value yourself and know your worth, then you know that you cannot be quantified in dollars.

 

Value System

You want to temper everything I say with that. We all have a different opinion, but this is my opinion and I’m sticking to it. Going back to talking to you about are you frowned upon by wanting a man who’s financially successful and how do you do that without appearing greedy? First of all, you have to look at your value system and you have to look at yourself personally if you value yourself. If you value yourself and you know your worth, you know that you’re worth cannot be quantified in dollars. You can’t say, “I’m worth $150,000. I’m worth $500,000. I’m worth $1 million. I’m worth $1 billion so that I can get a billionaire or I can get a millionaire.” You can’t quantify your value and worth by a stack of money. Money is love energy made manifest. It’s an exchange of energy. What you have to do if it’s important to you that you have a man that’s financially successful for whatever reason and however successful you want him to be. It doesn’t matter because your desires. You have the right to want what you want and expect that you will get it. It starts with expecting that you will get it. You have to expect that you deserve these things in life.

Let’s go back to your value systems. You have to value yourself and know your worth and not try to compare yourself to a bank account. What you do have to do is you have to bring something to the table. I talked to my husband about this. He was a guest speaker on one of my private client calls and he was emphatic and clear about it. He did not mind sharing expenses. He didn’t mind and does not mind paying for everything, but he was clear that he wanted to feel that he was appreciated. He wanted to be respected. He wanted to always feel that way. If that wasn’t there, then he would feel resentful. Then he wouldn’t be inspired to provide because he wants to provide and he provides for me. I love that and I appreciate it so much. We have that balance.

There needs to be a genuine appreciation for a man and what he provides and what he can bring to the table. I was reading this statistics and I wanted to share with you that dating is expensive for men. The cost of dating according to research is about $7,000 a year at the minimum. That includes twelve movie dates, three apology flower deliveries and a new wardrobe when she improves him. The costs add up if he’s looking for love, then there are trips. Men are investing in you when they’re out there online dating because they have to pay for the meals and they have to pay for the little gifts and the little trips and all in an attempt to win you. They know that they have to pull out their wallet. What you need to do is be on the receiving end of that, receiving that with a genuine appreciation and with genuine gratitude. Most importantly is that you feel worthy of those gifts.

You have the right to want what you want and expect that you will get it. Click To Tweet

I feel that’s a lot of the problem that women have that it hangs them up because they don’t feel worthy and they sabotage it by pulling out their wallet, offering to pay or by forgetting to say thank you or not gushing. You should gush over something that a man does. Everybody loves to feel appreciated, especially men. Especially when what they are bringing to the table is something that is important to you. As long as you’re coming across as grateful, authentic, genuine and you know your worth and you hold yourself in a high value, you’re transparent about your situation, a man will be inspired to take care of you and by the best means that he has. He will give you everything that he has and then it’s going to be up to you to decide if that is going to be sufficient. We want to settle at some point. Settling is a fabulous word. I know a lot of people say don’t settle. I’m like, “I say settle when you find an amazing man and you look at your lifestyle and what he’s offering and it’s a match. You settle.” You say, “I’ll take it.” You say, “I do,” as fast as you can. You want to keep that settling word in mind because it’s a good word.

You’re not bringing to the table and being transparent. You’re not going to disclose your financial situation on a first date. You’re certainly not going to share anything negative. You’re going to have to temper that with the boundary rule that I’ve shared with you. You share a little bit. You see how it’s received. If they share a little bit, then they see how you receive it and then you share a little bit more. That’s how you know it’s safe. That’s a boundary. You don’t share everything. You don’t dump everything. You don’t tell a man, “My credit cards are maxed out. I’m not going to be able to afford to join you on that trip.” You don’t say things like that. If a man invites you on a trip and he says, “I’d love to take you skiing.” You say, “That sounds amazing. I would love to go. I’m excited. Thank you so much for thinking of me. Unfortunately, I probably have to take a rain check because it’s not in my spending plan this month.”

I want you to use that phrase so you can let them know that it’s not in your spending plan, but you would love to go, then it’s up to them. It’s on them to decide whether or not they want to cover the cost of the entire trip. If it’s not something they can afford, maybe they’ll say, “Maybe another time,” and you’ll say, “I would like that,” and then you can go home and think about that. Always use that spending plan phrase instead of, “I can’t afford it.” “I can’t afford it,” is speaking in the lack, where, “It’s out of my spending plan,” speaks into you have a plan but it’s not on the plan this month. You deserve to have a man that is your equal. If you are a woman who’s successful financially, you want a man who’s equally as successful. I don’t want you to take on men that you end up taking care of because you’ll end up resenting them. You’re not getting any younger. You need to have that balance, that masculine energy. Eventually, he’s going to come to resent you because you’re holding the purse strings. That’s my opinion. I definitely don’t recommend that you get involved with a man who has less money than you do unless there are special circumstances.

EAA 11 | Attracting A Financially Secure Man

Attracting A Financially Secure Man: Don’t take on men that you end up taking care of because you’ll end up resenting them.

 

I’m going to say that there’s always a gray area for everything that I’m teaching. It’s not an exact science. Generally speaking, you want to have enough self-esteem to know that you can attract a man who’s on your level financially unless you consciously choose to not do so. If you did that, then you would want to have a transparent conversation with your man about what the expectations are and what the budget’s going to be and then it can totally work. It’s all about communication. It’s all about responsible communication and transparency and boundaries. If you have a lot of money and he doesn’t and you decide you’re going to get into that relationship, you need to have boundaries. You need to not turn over the reins to everything to him. You need to set boundaries and let him know what those boundaries are and if he could live within them.

Not Being Financially Successful Yourself

I want to cover the situation that’s opposite. You don’t have any money and he does. You want to date a guy that’s financially successful, but maybe you’re not so much. What I’m going to say about that is I’d like you to start working on a plan so you can feel more confident about your financial situation. I already shared that I’ve had to start over three times in my life and maybe more. I spent a lot of money, got into debt and then I had to pay it all off and start over. I went up and then I went down, then I went back up and I went back down. The great thing about being down is when you’re down the view is great, because the only way you can go is up. There are a lot of things you learn on the way down that you can use when you go all the way back up. If you go down, you can go back up. The important thing is to remember that.

If you are starting over again after a divorce or you’re widowed or you’re starting out and wanting to get married for the first time, you need to have a plan. Having a plan is going to give you self-esteem. First of all, a lot of women don’t even want to look at their checkbook. They’re like, “I don’t want to look. I don’t even want to look and see what’s in there.” You have to stop that. You have to have awareness. You have to rip that bandage off and confront things. When you’re not looking at your checking account, you’re not addressing these things. I don’t care how dire it is. You’re not being intimate with yourself. There’s the problem right there. You’re not even being intimate with your situation. How can you start to correct it if you won’t look at it? It’s not who you are, it’s a situation that you’re going through. Don’t play the role of the poor woman, broke. That’s a role that your mind has you play. You’re much more than that. You’re not your money. You’re not your hair. You’re not your body. You’re a spiritual being having a human experience. You’re your God self.

When you're down, the view is great because the only way you can go is up. Click To Tweet

When you come at all your problems in life from that perspective, the possibilities are infinite. It’s unlimited. If you got yourself in this little mindset where like, “My bank account looks bleak.” You need to have a plan. Reach out to somebody that you know that may be savvier with her finances and ask her to help you lay out a plan. Be transparent. Tell them, “I need some help. I made some choices in my life that weren’t the best and the consequence is then that I don’t have a lot of money. I need to have a plan so I can feel better about that situation.” That’s going to make you feel much better by admitting the fact that you are in this situation, to begin with. Honesty is emotional intimacy. It’s what you’re leaning into. Start with being honest with yourself. Laying out what have and start taking some concrete steps to move forward so that you can feel better about your situation.

You can’t quantify your value in comparison to money. I wholeheartedly, 100% recommend that you date men that are financially successful and here’s why. It says a lot about their character. It says a lot about all of our character. A man that works hard, that has foresight, that’s planning for the future, he’s thinking of how he’s going to provide and protect you, that is a man who has a lot of character and those are important things to him. Those are things that I admire in a man. As long as you present that in a way, the attitude that I’m presenting right now, a man will not misinterpret your intentions for wanting a great lifestyle as a gold digger, because you’re not. Let them say what they’ll say. People used to call me that. I’d say, “Heck, yes.” I want the best out of life. I want the best for my family. I want the best for my children. I want the best for my clients. I want to be a great role model. I want it all. I want to experience everything in life. I want the gold and I want you to go for the gold.

If you want to call me a gold digger, then you go right ahead because that’s great. I do. Let’s get rid of that negative connotation of that term and let’s blow it up. Go for the gold. Make sure you come from gratitude, from appreciation, from having a plan that you’re willing to work hard to pull yourself out of whatever situation you’re in. Have integrity. Don’t let that define you. You’re not your victims. I had somebody write in and I encourage you to write in and ask me questions so that I can answer them. Here’s her question. She said, “Should a woman look for a financially secure man if she’s not financially secure herself?” Yes. Why would you look for somebody who’s not financially secure? All you’re going to be doing is fighting about money and it says a lot about his character. Knowing that you’re going to be working on this piece for yourself, I recommend yes. She also goes on to say, “I understand that women who have it altogether want their equal. What about those who don’t have it all together financially and may even be in a financial pickle? Should they look for their equal, a man who’s in the same insecure financial boat?”

EAA 11 | Attracting A Financially Secure Man

Attracting A Financially Secure Man: Remember that you are worth much. Know it, believe it, and it will be so.

 

No, I don’t want you to argue for your limitations. I want you to speak into what you want as if it’s already happened. Fake it until you make it, if you can understand that term. It’s all about your perception of your worth. This is where it’s all coming from. There’s somebody telling you or somebody’s told you or you’re telling yourself you’re your worst critic, that you’re not enough or that you don’t have enough. Your value can’t be quantified in dollars. You’re priceless. You’re a priceless jewel. You’re such a treasure beyond belief and men treasure and adore women. You have to remember that we make each other better and we need each other. You have to know your value because if you don’t know your value, how can a man see your worth if you can’t see it? Work on building up that self-esteem and that self-worth. It’s a perception. That you can change and you can believe that you are a high value, a high worth woman who’s rich beyond belief. You have qualities. You have your integrity. You have your personality. You have your connections to your source. You have your wits. You have your intellect. You have many things and many qualities.

There’s one more question. She’s asking, “Should she be honest and tell a guy about her financial situation?” Not at the front because it’s not appropriate. You don’t tell somebody on a first, second or third date about your finances. You don’t even know if you’re going to go out with him again. You only start talking about those things if you’ve agreed to be inclusive. He can already tell your financial situation by the car you drive, by the clothes you wear, that house you live in and by how you talk. What you say is giving him indications. He’s picking up all the cues. When you walk into a restaurant, he notices your purse. Men aren’t that dumb, they are smart. They can tell what’s going on with you. It’s okay if you don’t have a Gucci bag, you don’t need that. What you need is you. You need to be you. You need to come from truth, integrity, appreciation and that is going to connect. That’s worth its weight in gold. If you have a golden heart, that’s what a man wants. He wants a real woman with a heart of gold and that’s what he’s looking for and he’s willing to pay for that. He’s willing to provide for you if you have a heart of gold.

That’s what my husband has. He has a heart of gold and so does I. We’re a perfect match. He said that he’s inspired to take care of women. He always has been like that. He’s generous, but he expects appreciation. He expects me to bring something to the relationship, and I do. I bring my awareness. I bring my presence. I listen. I modify my behavior if it’s not working. I’m sensitive to his needs and wants. I consider his children. I consider him. He’s my best friend. I am always thinking about him and he’s always thinking about me. I know that he feels loved and appreciated by me and that inspires him to take care of me and do the things for me.

Your value can't be quantified in dollars. You’re a priceless jewel and a treasure beyond belief. Click To Tweet

One last question, “When men spend on dates, there’s a sense that the date owes something more than a thank you.” That’s a perception. That’s something that’s going on in your mind that your mind’s made up. You can’t speak for everybody. You can only speak for yourself. Somewhere along the way, you’ve got some incorrect thinking. There’s nothing wrong with you if you got some incorrect thinking because it’s a belief system. You don’t have to believe it if you don’t want to. What you owe him on a date is to be present. You owe him to be courteous. You owe him to be grateful. You say thank you. You owe him to be interested in him and interested in what he’s talking about. That’s what your obligation is. You’re obligated to show up as your best self. That is the reciprocation. He’s going to provide the atmosphere and the goodies and you’re going to provide the energy and the beauty, your beautiful inner self and that golden heart. That’s the energy exchange. Money is love energy made manifest. Your heart is love energy made manifest.

Remember that you are worth much. Know it, believe it and it will be so. The timing of intimacy comes into the picture. Is this the negative image of a bought woman? The timing of intimacy comes into the picture. She’s referring to physical intimacy and if a man gives you presence and you sleep with him, are you being bought? I’m like “No, I don’t think that either.” However, it depends. I hope this was helpful. Like my page, so you receive the notifications that we can connect on a regular basis. Jump over to my website if you want to find some tools that I teach. I always send your replies to my emails. Let me know your questions so that I can answer them. Thank you so much for being here. Remember that I’m sending you lots and lots of love. I love you and I mean it.

 

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EAA 8 | Things That Attract Men

Law Of Attraction: 3 Things That Attract Men 50 And Up! | Engaged at Any Age

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· June 25, 2019 
· No Comments

EAA 8 | Things That Attract Men

 

You may think it is hard to find a partner when you are over 50, but this is only because you have not gotten in line with how to attract them. There are specifically different qualities that men are looking for as they age, and Jaki shares three things with you. Backing it up with statistical data and some smart insights and advice, she talks about how you can attract men 50 and up.

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Watch the episode here:

Law Of Attraction: 3 Things That Attract Men 50 And Up!

I’m excited to connect with you because I want to talk to you about three things that attract men over 50. It’s over 50, over 60, over 70 and beyond because this is what men are looking for in a woman that is over 50. Here’s the thing. All men want to attract the same type of woman. What I’d read through this statistic, it all shows the same thing. All men want a fun, honest woman that they can have a good time with. That’s easy. You’re a fun, honest woman that they can have a good time with. You’ve already solved half the problem.

Relationship-Minded Partners

There are specifically different qualities that men are looking for as they age and I want to share those with you. One of the things that stood out when I looked at the statistics and what I hear from the men that I know and also from the women that I’m coaching. Men are looking for a relationship over 50, over 60 and over 70. They’re more relationship-minded. Ladies, I don’t want you to be afraid to be expressing that you’re interested in a committed relationship because that is exactly what men are looking for over 50, over 60 and beyond. They recognize that the important things in life are having a loving partner by their side and they want to experience life with someone. They’re recognizing that more and more as they age.

A Woman Who Values Intelligence

That’s such a benefit, a bonus to know and to understand, accept and empower yourself with this knowledge that men over 50, 60 and 70 are looking for a long-term committed relationship that leads to marriage. What else are they going to do? Having a relationship as we age is the most rewarding experiences you can have. I’m sharing this with you because I know that to be true based on my own experiences with Michael and the ladies that are getting into relationships. Men are looking for relationships over 50. In fact, they are more interested in that than dating for fun. A loving partner is a priority to men over 50, 60 and 70. Another thing that men over 50 are looking for a woman in a relationship over 50, 60 and 70 is a woman who values intelligence. Men are looking for intelligent women. Emotional intelligence and intellectual intelligence. Emotional intelligence is your ability to have great communication skill. Your ability to hold a conversation without getting triggered. Your ability to bring more wisdom to every situation because that is such a benefit to him. Benefiting from your wisdom, your intuition, your life knowledge and your life experience is what he’s looking for. Not that you’re younger, that you have all this life experience and you know how to apply it. That’s what emotional intelligence is. Having compassion, having empathy, having good listening skills.

By being rigid in our thinking, we limit ourselves. Click To Tweet

Being present and being open-minded, that’s another thing that men are looking for over 50, 60 and 70 in a woman. What happens is over time and this is something I want to dig into a little bit more, being open-minded. As we age, we tend to get more closed-minded. We tend to get rigid in our thinking. In doing that, we limit ourselves. We limit not only what’s possible, but we limit ourselves from learning something new. You want to always keep an open mind. Sometimes when we feel we know-it-all or we know a topic that somebody is sharing with us, especially on dates, we shut that person down because we’re not open to hearing anything new. Life is all about learning, growing, evolving and expanding. Men over 50, 60 and 70 are looking for a woman who is open to exploring the possibility, is open to looking at life in a different angle, who sees the value in learning and growth. That’s what men are looking for.

It goes across the board to say that men are looking for a woman who has a sense of humor. All men are looking for that when I looked at the statistics. Here’s the surprise that you may not think that is true, but men over 50, 60 and 70 are looking for romance. They’re not done with the romance. In fact, they are more likely to be more romantic because they value the qualities that a woman can bring to a relationship. Bring that touch of feminine energy that makes life more rich and interesting and more colorful for a man. They’re definitely looking for more romance. As women, we love romance. That’s a wonderful thing to keep in mind. Men want to romance you. They want to have romantic experiences with you, especially as they get older. They’re looking for that quality so don’t shy away from those romantic experiences because men do want that.

A Woman They Can Be Active With

Here’s the last piece I’ll share with you and there are many things, but this one is key. Men over 50, 60 and 70 are looking for someone who they can be active with. Whether that means riding bikes, taking walks, skiing, whatever it is for you, being active is an important thing to men over 50. When we’re active, we live a healthier life. We live longer. We sleep better. We feel better about ourselves. If you haven’t been active lately, this is a good time to break out your walking shoes if summer is coming. You can get out there. If it’s hot in your environment, you can go early in the morning. Getting you back into a yoga routine or a workout routine, anything that you can share on dates that show you’re active. Even if it’s taking long walks, that is something that is going to appeal to a man over 50, 60 and 70. He wants to remain active as long as he lives. My husband is like that. He’s like, “I’m going to work out until the day I die because I never want to not be able to get out of bed and do the things that I want to do.” I couldn’t agree more with him. We do that together. That’s one of the things that attracted me to Michael. Him, to me, is that we were both active.

Things That Attract Men: Our needs and wants change over time.

 

Ladies, they’re not looking for younger women. They’re looking for women that are a relationship-minded. They’re looking for women that are active. They’re looking for women that are easy going. They’re looking for a woman who’s intelligent emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. Make sure you begin to cultivate those parts of you to make sure that you bring that forward when you’re out on your date. We’re all looking for a sense of humor. That’s what we need to do to do all the dating. You have to have a sense of humor about everything. Bring that sense of humor to your date because it’s going to connect well to men over 50. That’s what they’re looking for. I don’t know about you, but it’s good to share a good laugh with somebody, especially when you’re on a date. If you can come up with some jokes or don’t forget to be playful and witty and have that fun, playful banter, not taking things seriously, not taking things personally that’s for sure, and questioning things when you don’t understand something shows emotional intelligence.

It doesn’t show that you don’t understand something, it shows that you have knowledge and that you’re curious and you want to be clear about something that was shared to you. You’re not afraid to ask questions, especially when you don’t understand something or don’t know something. It’s attractive when you don’t know something and you’re not afraid to admit it. When you’re like, “I’m not familiar with that. Tell me all about it.” Instead of faking it and going, “I know about that,” when you don’t. Bring that vulnerability forward. It connects. I’d rather say, “I don’t know about that. I’ve never heard about it. I’d love to hear more about it,” than to pretend that I do. You don’t have to do that. Let that go. Ladies, I hope this was helpful. I’m going to answer a question before I conclude our talk here, “How do you know if he’s the right man you should commit to if most things are good, but then you question other things that aren’t matching up to your core wants and needs?” We need to know what those other things are.

I recommend that you look at what your core wants and needs are more closely. Sometimes the things that we want and need, we haven’t examined them in a while. Our needs and wants change over time. I would look at more about what your needs are. What are the needs? The wants? A lot of those things you can fulfill on yourself. Maybe you want to travel to different places and maybe he doesn’t. Maybe you can go, “Are you okay with me going on trips with my girlfriends?” If he’s okay with that, you guys can work that out. Maybe that’s a deal breaker for you. Maybe you want to travel with your partner, so that would be a need. Getting clear about making the distinction between wants and needs is going to help you to take the confusion out of whether or not this man has a real place in your life.

You said your core wants. I’m imagining that the core would be maybe financial, would be a core or maybe children’s ages could be a core thing. You don’t want to take on a relationship where somebody has younger children. They have to get clear on what those core needs are. I certainly would come to the table with a lot of questions and see if you can negotiate. If he has a lot of good things that are matching up, it’s worthy of conversations to see if you can negotiate some compromises. Relationships are compromises and I say that with the highest respect in a good way. I compromise my time. I compromise where we eat, what we’re going to watch on TV or where we’re going to go on vacation. My core needs are to be with Michael, to be with a man who loves and adores me, who supports me, who accepts me and treats me well. Those are the things that are the most important to me. The other things are like where we’re going to go, what we’re going to eat, and all those little things. I can let all those go and go with the flow because I’m easy-going and those things aren’t that important compared to the core needs. It’s getting clear on is it a need or a want? How important is it to you? Can you negotiate that? If the man has the qualities and the principles you resonate with, I say it’s worth negotiating.

Sometimes when we feel we know it all, we shut the other person we are talking to down. Click To Tweet

I hope this was helpful. If you want more clarity on what I’m sharing, I’m here for you in these Facebook Lives and I do the YouTubes. I’m always here providing you with these tips. If you need to learn how to apply them and take action on them because intellectual knowledge is what I’m supplying here, but it’s useless if you can’t take action on it. I’m winding down my enrollment into my Engaged at Any Age Program. If you’re interested and you’ve been toying with the idea and you regret not taking advantage of it, I’m going to give you this one last opportunity to jump in with us and join the group. I want you to private message me on Facebook where we can talk in a private message and see if that’s a fit for you. Go ahead and private message me. We’ll have a little dialogue privately. I’ll tell you if it’s a fit for you and share with you the details and the commitment. I have a special bonus for you if you sign up. It’s a fast action bonus, but I’ll tell you that in a private message.

I hope you join me. I’m excited about this group. It’s amazing women. One of the ladies that are in the group has such exciting news. In a couple of weeks of being in the group, after talking to me and laying out a plan and looking at her beliefs because she didn’t feel she can meet a man in her town. We opened up that possibility of meeting a man outside of her town where she wanted to live and made some tweaks to her profile and made some other changes. Within a couple of weeks, she connected with a man in another state. He flew her to the state. She put her up in a hotel. She met his friends and they’re planning a life together. She’s flying back home and we’re going to be working with her so she can continue to move forward in the relationship in a healthy way with clear boundaries. Making sure that everything’s on track for that commitment and taking her time to get to know him. This is exciting because love happens fast. She was worried that she wasn’t going to meet anybody, now she’s making plans for her future. That’s exciting. That’s how fast things can happen, especially when you’re working with me. I hope that answered your question. Thank you for being here. I love you all so much. I’m sending you lots of love.

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3 Secrets To Emotionally Connect With Men | Engaged at Any Age

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· June 11, 2019 
· No Comments

EAA 9 | Emotionally Connect With Men

 

Relationships always begin with a connection; but to get committed, you have to emotionally connect with your partner. How do you achieve that? Jaki shares the secrets to emotionally connect with a man, especially as you age. Learn some tips on how you can continue to turn yourself and your relationship up.

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Watch the episode here:

3 Secrets To Emotionally Connect With Men

I’m excited about connecting with you. We are talking about these secrets that you need to know so that you can emotionally connect with a man. When you make an emotional connection with a man, that’s how you get a commitment. It’s not until you emotionally connect that you can get a commitment from a man because they don’t make commitments over a sexual connection. You want to push for and look for and explore creating that emotional connection with a man. That’s exciting to do.

Keep It Sexy

The best way to connect to a man on an emotional level is to keep it sexy. Keeping it sexy means keeping light. Keeping it playful and keeping it fun. It’s important to not go to the end of the story and not to attach to an outcome. As soon as we start to attach to an outcome of how we want it to turn out, then we lose our place in the present. The present is where all our power is. You can’t be playful and fun and happy when you’re thinking about the past or worrying about the future. You have to make the moment sexy and fun for him. We all know men love sex. Women do too but men want it sexy. They want to feel alive, especially middle-aged men. They want to feel that they still have it going on.

A lot of the reason why men go through a midlife crisis is that they feel like they are not desirable to women anymore. They don’t feel that they got it or the women don’t look at them in the same way. That explains a lot of why I’m encouraging not necessarily to sexually objectify yourself, that’s not what I’m saying at all. It’s just that as we age, we tend to stop turning it up too because maybe our estrogen levels are dipping and we just don’t feel like it. If we want a man, you have to learn to emotionally connect with him and we all want to feel alive and men especially want too.

Here are some ways you can do that. Clean out your closet. Get rid of the old lady clothes. First of all, we can dress differently now as we age. You don’t have to start dressing a certain way as your grandmother did. You can personally dress like me. I’m 54, so I’m going to have a whole training about aging. I’m excited about dating in your 50s and beyond and if you should lie about your age and all of that. I’m excited to cover that topic. It’s not feeling like you have to stop dressing the way that you did when you were 40 and even 30. Our hemlines come down and maybe we’re wearing a long-sleeved shirt if you’re more comfortable with that, but I definitely think you need a great bra. You need to get those girls up and together and get them on the same page because they’re beautiful and you’re beautiful. Use your assets. Make sure that you’re dressing according to your look but that it’s hip, it’s fun and essential and it will turn the men on. When I had my online dating profile, I had a pink blouse, a pop of color because men love that. I had a pair of jeans on one of the pictures and I had a long-fitted dress on. I dressed more hip like I did when I was at 40. I haven’t changed that.

As soon as we start to attach an outcome of how we want our relationships to turn out, we lose our place in the present. Click To Tweet

In fact, I went through my closet and I noticed I started getting a little frumpy. I was like, “What’s happening to me?” That’s why I did the highlights on my hair. I was getting dark. I was like, “I’m going to go into this dark look, but it made me look older.” My daughter told me that. She said I looked like Elvira. I love Elvira but I don’t necessarily want to look like her. I want to look like me, only brighter. I did the highlights and it brightened up my look. I’m not saying you have to even go get a highlight but maybe consider it. Maybe you want to brighten up your look with a new look. You can get some new makeup or skin tone change. The time of year change. What you wore in the winter in terms of makeup and hair needs to change for the summer. Keeping it sexy is helpful.

As we get older, we want to have fun. We want to have a fun relationship. We want to smile and laugh more and men are looking for that especially if they’ve been married before. You all heard me say that but just a little reminder. Sometimes you need to be reminded of the simplest steps over and over again until we got it. That’s the secret number one to creating an emotional connection. It’s being fun and playful and throwing in a little sexiness. This shirt isn’t revealing anything, but it’s sexy in its own way. You can look at your wardrobe, clean out your closet and get up to speed with getting rid of everything that is frumpy. Only keep the things that you feel good at and just re-wear those. If it’s not in your spending plan to get some new clothes, just go through your closet and streamline it so that when you go to reach for something, only the best stuff is there.

Physical Touch

The next thing is physical touch. Physical touch is important to men. They want to put their hands on you. At the beginning of dating, that’s not necessarily appropriate. However, when you are dating, you can reach up and touch your man’s forearm. You can put your hand on their shoulder and even picking a piece of lint off his shirt is intimate. That is a very intimate gesture. Only women and men that are having a connection would do that. If you are sitting there with a man and he has a little piece of lint, you reach up and get that for him. That’s a very intimate act and it’s a physical connection. As you start dating, holding hands, putting your hand around his shoulder, his waist and seeking his hand out. If he’s not affectionate, then you can be affectionate. I love affectionate. My husband, what he does to me that I love is that he swats me on the butt quite a bit. I like that. It’s not a hard swat, but he gives me a little pat. It’s fun. Michael is very affectionate and so am I. We have a lot of fun playing and being very physical. Don’t be afraid to do that.

EAA 9 | Emotionally Connect With Men

Emotionally Connect With Men: Consistently appreciate every little thing so that you don’t ever take them for granted.

Be Interested In His Interests

Play with his hair. When you’re on a date, get your hand back there. Men loved to have their scalp rubbed too. If I had my fingers in my husband’s scalp, he goes crazy for that. If you’re dating a man, give him a nice scalp massage. He will love that. Physical touch is important to create that emotional connection. Another secret is to be interested in his interests. Even if you’re not interested in those things, you can certainly be interested in them because he is. That’s what the interest level comes from. You’re like, “I never thought ice hockey was that big of a deal but my husband loves it. Now, I love ice hockey.” It’s fun to watch. It’s a little bit of a brutal sport. Sometimes I have to cover my face but that’s just me. I’m not saying you need to do what I’m doing. I’m just giving you real-world examples because they’ll help you connect.

Show Respect, Admiration, And Appreciation

If your guy is up in his head and he’s an engineer or maybe he’s a nerd and he likes to do certain things that come along with that, then go for that. “I want to know all about it,” because maybe there’s something there that you will find interesting. The fact that you showed interest in what he’s interested in, he starts to see you as an equation in his life. He starts to put you together in a future scenario with him. You might become interested in those topics because he is. That will be another way to create that emotional connection. That was already three things but I’m going to keep going because I have more here on my list. This is the big one. Show respect, admiration and appreciation. It sounds like this is all about the guys. I’m like, “Jaki, all you’re saying is all about the men.” You want to be in a committed relationship that leads to a commitment or marriage like what I wanted.

I’m willing to do and I was willing to do what it takes to have what I want and frankly, we all love compliments. We all love to be appreciated and noticed and witnessed. Start practicing that now on your date so that when you meet a man, it’s automatic. You are automatically doing that. I do it about every little thing that Michael does. I can’t overemphasize this enough. I’m like, “Thank you for the coffee. Thanks for taking out the trash. Thank you for picking up more limes. Thanks for picking up dinner. Thank you. It was so thoughtful of you. It’s so sweet of you. I appreciate that you did that. That means so much.” I lay it on because first of all, it’s coming from a sincere place. I am grateful and I do appreciate him, but it’s a habit that I trained myself to remember to consistently appreciate every little thing so that I don’t ever take it for granted. Just because I’m saying this in the beginning, it doesn’t mean a year later he doesn’t want to hear it. I want to stay married. The things that I’m teaching you is about getting into a relationship but there’s a high divorce rate. I want to get you in the relationship but I also want to keep you in the relationship. I don’t ever want you to be divorced. It’s a painful experience to go through.

Sometimes you need to be reminded of the simplest steps over and over again until you get it. Click To Tweet

Practicing appreciation and gratitude is going to keep you in that relationship. I consistently do it because it’s a habit. I want my husband to know how much I appreciate and love and respect him so I’m consistently using that tool to make sure he knows my level of commitment for him. In return, he gives so much to me. He thinks about what he can do for me, how he can make my life easier and how he includes me in the decision making. He always runs everything by me. It comes back to you tenfold. Gratitude is a powerful force. The more you think about, the more you bring about, the more appreciation and gratitude you’re showing for anything, you’re going to get that back. The more you do it, the more you get it back. It was invoking the Law of Least Effort. The more you do have what you want to be done, the easier it is to receive it back tenfold.

Surprises

Another thing that is good and it worked well with my relationship is surprises. As women, we are the one who likes surprises. We want to be surprised and that’s great but men love it too. Surprising your date. If you’ve been dating for a couple of weeks, I would recommend doing a little surprise like, “I have a little surprise for you.” He’s going to be like, “What is it?” You’re like, “If I tell you it’s not going to be a surprise.” It could be something simple. Maybe you made him his favorite dish and you bring it to him or maybe you picked up a book that he talked about. Maybe after dinner, you go for a drive and you show him something that you think that he would enjoy. Something that you thought out or maybe you’re getting him tickets to a sporting event that he wants to go to or a ticket to a concert. That’s after you’ve been dating for a couple of weeks. I don’t recommend giving gifts, but the surprises are always appreciated. Everybody loves a surprise because it means you put a lot of thought into doing something special for him. That’s how you continue to create an emotional connection, which leads to a commitment.

Give Him Freedom

The last tip I want to share with you is an important one. It’s giving him this freedom. Make sure he knows that he has plenty of freedom. People get freaked out when they get into a committed relationship and they start to go, “I’m not going to have any freedom.” The opposite is true. I have so much more freedom being in a committed relationship and being married because I don’t have to worry about dating anymore because that’s a time-consuming endeavor. I don’t have to go online. I don’t have to spend my time organizing who I spoke to and to be on my phone all the time, so I actually have more freedom. Also, I have the security of the commitment that we made together. I’m not talking about financial. I’m talking about that security based on the highest form of integrity, of honesty and truth that we’re made to each other. That we’re going to be there for each other and I can relax into that. When I can relax into that, Michael has all the freedom he wants. It’s not up to me to give or take it away. He’s a free person.

EAA 9 | Emotionally Connect With Men

Emotionally Connect With Men: You can get into a relationship but not necessarily stay in it.

 

Getting married doesn’t limit you and make you do a certain thing, not if you set it up right in the beginning. I was clear from the beginning. I was saying things like, “Go with your friends. That would be great. You should go. You should do it.” I’ll give you an example. One day, it was father’s day and his children were not with him. That was when he was spending more time with his children when they were younger. He had that day without his children and I was thinking I’m going to do something nice for him. I’m going to make him brunch. I went to the store and I got a bunch of things for lox and bagels, but he had a different plan. I didn’t tell him that I was going to surprise him. He called me up and he said, “I’m going a 45-mile road biking ride with his best friend.” I’d already made all of this. I had set it all up and I was going to surprise him. I printed out a Father’s Day card with a picture of him and his kids on it from my printer, but I went with the flow because I’m in my feminine energy. I was like, “That sounds a great day.” Inside I was disappointed but I said, “You go and have a great time. That’s going to be awesome. Take a picture when you guys are out.”

The next thing I know is I hear somebody outside my door, he’s outside on his bike with his best friend. They were calling out to me. I came outside and took a picture of them together and I wished him a good ride. They rode off and they had a great day. What he wanted to do with his day is spend it with his friend. I didn’t take it personally. I went inside and I ate my lox and bagels with my kids. That’s what I mean about freedom. I didn’t even show any sign of that because he has a right to make plans and have his own life and his own interest and I want to support those. I guess that was plan B. Make sure you’re relaxed in things if he springs it on you, “My friends are all getting together tonight after work. I want to go.” You should say, “You should go. It’s going to be great. You go and have a good time. I’ll catch up with you later.” He’ll feel safe knowing that you are not going to freak out and try to clamp down on his time. He’s going to want to spend more time with you because you’re so easy going. That’s an important thing for men.

One of the biggest reasons why men resist commitment is because they sense on some level that you’re going to try to monopolize their time. What happens is if you make sure that they know and that you’re not going to interfere with the things they want to do and in fact, you’re going to encourage it and support it. All of a sudden they’re like, “I’d rather be with her. She’s so easy going and then if something does come up, I can always rearrange our schedule and I can go do something with my friends.” For example, my husband has his monthly meeting that he does with him and his business partners. They have a couple of drinks and they have appetizers. They talk about business and I’m like, “I’m going to make plans and go do my thing. Have fun and I’ll talk to you when you get home tomorrow or later.” I want him to feel that he can do whatever he wants as long as he comes home to me and he does. That’s the point. I’ve covered quite a bit and I’m just wondering if any of you have any questions.

Gratitude is a powerful force. The more you think about, the more you bring about. Click To Tweet

Thank you so much. I want to also share with you that I just opened the doors to my annual Engaged at Any Age Program. It’s a nine-month private/group coaching program. It’s the only way that you’re going to get to work with me. I do it once a year and I’ve already enrolled many women into it so I have a limited amount of seats. The program used to be a year but I changed it to nine months because I’m getting women to the finish line in nine months or less because I have this formula that works. What you need is a structure. You need a container to hold that space. You need the support. You need accountability and what’s important is you need the environment. The environment is where you can grow and foster change. If you’re not in the right environment and if you’re not surrounding yourself by the right people who have the right strategies that can teach you the skills that you need, that not only get you into a relationship but keep you happily married ever after, you can get into a relationship but you’re not going to stay in it.

It is an investment but either way, you’re going to pay. You’re going to pay if you stay single another month or you’re going to have to pay to invest in yourself so you can scale up in these areas and become as wise as I am. You’re complimenting me here, saying lovely things and I appreciate it but I want that for you. I want you to outgrow me. I want you to have these skills so you can apply them in your life so that you can see that ripple effect that affects your children, your friendships, and all of your relationships. Your life is going to expand in so many ways. It’s just not one thing that happens when you get engaged or get in a committed relationship. It affects your social circles. You get new friends, friends of your husbands or your partners. They become your best friends. You get new friends. Your social life takes off in a different way.

Now, you have someone to go to all these events that you’ve been wanting to go to or maybe you don’t want to go to events. You have someone to do things with, somebody to witness your life and somebody to have your back and you’ll have their back. You’re also going to have combined resources. Your resources now are more enhanced. When you’re in love and you have love in your life, so much abundance can come to you. If you invest in yourself, you get that back so quickly. I just look at where I was years ago and where I am now, the growth has been exponential. Every year, I double and double my business and my husband too. We’re both booming and people say, “There’s just something about you.” We have so much love. We’re still so in love. All these pillars that I’m explaining to you are enhanced in every area in my life. My home, my social and my family has been in large with his family. The traveling and the combined resources, it’s incredible. The best investment you’ll ever make is the investment you make in yourself. Make sure you do that because either way, you’re going to pay. I will see you all here in the group. Don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel so you don’t miss an episode. Thank you for being here and I’m just sending you so much love.

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EAA 6 | Things That Turn Men On

5 Things That Turn Men On | Engaged at Any Age

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· June 4, 2019 
· No Comments

EAA 6 | Things That Turn Men On

 

When you think that you’ve found the right man that you’re into, you may find yourself looking for ways to keep him turned on and by your side. There are actually ways that you can do that. Jaki shares her five tips for keeping your man turned on.

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Watch the episode here:

5 Things That Turn Men On

I’m going to teach you about the five things that turn a man on. I love talking about this. This is so powerful. The first thing that turns a man on is you being happy. That’s what turns a man on. His happiness is based on your happiness. If a man doesn’t feel that he can make you happy, then he’s technically be turned on by you. When you’re happy, a man is turned on by that. It creates a ripple effect and it makes him happy because he’s here to make you happy. The key to his happiness is your happiness so make sure that you’re doing the things that you need to do to keep yourself in that happy place in your life.

Feeling your feelings, releasing your feelings, holding your boundaries and speaking up when you need to. Everything that you need to do to be authentic and genuine in your relationship is going to make you happy. When you’re in a great relationship, you can expand and just relax in life. When you’re relaxed in life, you’re already naturally happy. Make sure that your happiness is a priority. When you’re happy, your man’s happy and it turns him on. How you’re going to attract a man by being a happy woman. The second thing that turns the men on is you have to be interested in his passion. Get into his passions. You have to show interest because when you bond with him over what he’s interested in, he sees you as a part of that equation. Whether it’s sports, whether it’s travel, whether it’s wine, whether it’s cooking, whether it’s gardening. Anything that he’s interested in like writing or movies, you want to show interest. This is obvious but I’d like to get into it because it turns a man to notice that you’re paying attention to what’s important to him because that shows a sign of respect. You respect what’s important to him. It’s going to create a bond between the two of you and then you’re going to become closer and closer.

Start to learn about the things that he's passionate about and watch your relationship grow. Click To Tweet

I know if you’re following me, you want to be in a committed relationship or married this year. Show interest and get excited about it because it’s what makes him who he is. Start to learn about the things that he’s passionate about and watch your relationship grow. Watch his attraction for you grow much faster. The third thing is to initiate intimacy. This is after you’ve decided that you’re exclusive and you’re working on a future together. You’ve had those conversations. Go ahead and initiate that intimacy. Men love this and it turns them on when you’re hugging them and you whisper something in his ear like, “Maybe when we get home tonight.” Maybe you have a special candle that you get for him or you have a pretty little outfit you’re going to share with him. Whenever you initiate a sexual intimacy or physical intimacy, men really love it. It turns them on. A lot of men complain about women not initiating and wanting the men to take charge in all cases. When the woman does, that excites them. If you want to reel him in and if you want to have a committed, juicy and deep relationship, then you want to be initiating as much as he is. We all like to be the one that’s being pursued and men love it.

Number four, appreciate and validate him. This is so important. Men love appreciation. They love to be validated. What does validation mean? It means giving value. Give value to him by noticing and respecting him and appreciating him because men crave this and they will never ask for it. They’re not going to say, “Excuse me, would you please show more respect and appreciation for the things that I do for you?” They don’t say that. Just notice the things they do. Thank him for opening your car door. Thank him for dinner and tell him how much you appreciate it. Admire the work that he does. Ask him for help and then make sure you lavish him with your compliments and praise.

Men do thrive on this because it lets them know that they’re doing a good job and they’re making you happy. If his happiness is your happiness and vice versa, then you need to lay this on thick. Life can be hard. When we don’t hear from the person that we’re dating that we’re appreciated, it starts to affect us. If you reverse it and a man doesn’t give you compliments a lot and you’re like, “I just dressed up and spent all this time and energy to look fabulous for him. He hasn’t even been noticed.” Maybe he noticed but he never said anything. It’s reverse psychology. You’ve got to use this on men because they love it. He’s just going to continue to see you as the one which is what you want him to see you because you notice and appreciate him.

EAA 6 | Things That Turn Men On

Things That Turn Men On: Men are totally afraid that they’re going to lose their freedom in a relationship.

 

This is a big one for women. I don’t think they realize how important this is, but you want to encourage him to do things that he wants to do. Men are totally afraid that they’re going to lose their freedom in a relationship. If you establish right up front that you’re not there to take away his freedom, you’re there to support him in all the things that he wants to do knowing that he has you to come home too. You need to call after he’s done. Men that go off and do things with their guy friends, they’re thinking about you. They’re talking about you especially when you make it okay. Women that are jealous or controlling, that is a deal-breaker for men. They don’t want to commit to a woman who they feel is going to take their freedom away. That’s a huge fear for men.

Encourage him to do the things that he wants to do and what he’s going to do is fall more in love with you than he already is. Don’t be clingy. Don’t be needy. Go make plans with your girlfriends. Encourage him to make plans with his guy friends so that you can have this time apart. Then what happens is it creates a lot more intimacy when you’re together because it gives you an opportunity to expand as an individual. When you come back together, you have something interesting to talk about. You have more closeness because you had that trust. Give them a long leash. You’re not trying to control your men. Men hate that and it’s the fastest way to turn him off. This is all about how to turn your man on because you want a commitment and you want to keep him turned on in your relationship. I love giving my husband freedom. When I met Michael, I was very clear with him. You have all the freedom you need. He likes to ride his street bike. I love that he does that. I’m frankly turned on to see him on his bike and cruising around with his friend.

Trust is the cornerstone of a relationship. Click To Tweet

I enjoy watching him watch sports. I love the things that he does and I’m interested in those things because he’s passionate about them. It helps our relationship so much to be okay with him doing things on his own. I don’t have any problem with that. I think it’s fabulous because I have my own life too and I want my time to myself as well. We have tons of freedom in our relationship and that’s all based on trust and trust is the cornerstone of a relationship. Follow these five tips. It turns a man on and it will get you closer to a committed relationship and hopefully engaged by the end of the year.

My freebie is I want you to go to SoulmateIQ.com and take my Soulmate Assessment. This is going to tell you what frequency you’re vibrating at and how close you are to attracting your soulmate. I’m going to send you your results and then a feminine exercise. It’s related to the frequency you’re vibrating at so you can get further into alignment and fast track your ability to manifest your soulmate. I’m all about fast-tracking. It doesn’t need to take as much time as you think it does. If you follow these tips and you start paying attention to what I’m teaching you, I know that I can help you get to the finish line because I want you to be a finisher. I want you to be in an amazing relationship like I am. I hope this was helpful and I’m just sending you a ton of love.

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Stop Chasing Men And Have Them Chase You! | Engaged at Any Age

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· May 28, 2019 
· No Comments

EAA 2 | Stop Chasing Men

 

Nothing is more thrilling in life than having a man chase you. It can be exciting, fun, mysterious, and scary. It just gets all the juices flowing. You definitely want to give a man a good chase for his money because men want to win. They want to win and they want to win you, and you can’t make it too easy for them because they’ll lose interest and find somebody else. Jaki shares some real-life skills that you need to learn and understand so you can stop chasing men and have them chase you instead.

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Watch the episode here:

Stop Chasing Men And Have Them Chase You!

I’m creating these series for you to support you to calling in your soul mate. This is my favorite topic. I say that about everything I talk about, but I love this topic, how to stop chasing men and have them chasing you. Nothing is more thrilling in life than having a man chase you. It can be exciting, fun, mysterious, and scary. It just gets all the juices flowing, that’s for sure. You definitely want to give a man a good chase for his money because men want to win. They want to win and they want to win you, and you can’t make it too easy for them because then they’ll lose interest and they’ll find somebody else who will. It’s not a game. Nothing that I teach or the strategies that I talk about are games. These are real-life skills that you need to learn and understand how men aren’t much different than we are. If we cultivate our own feminine qualities in ourselves, then we can show up in a way that is a compliment to the man and that’s what he is looking for. He’s looking for that compliment.

Engage Them A Little Bit

I want to start off with a story. I’ll tell you about one of my clients and this is a great story. You’re going to love it. She was just newly divorced. Literally, the divorce papers came and she was very distraught and she had called me up and said, “I want to do a VIP weekend.” It was snowing and it was ski season and I knew that she skied and I said, “Why don’t we go up to Mammoth for a ski weekend so that I can support you?” I did that. I flew into where she was. We drove up to Mammoth and had a weekend skiing. She was newly single and I was her wing woman. We went out to a bar that night and it was packed full of men. The mountain was full. There were men everywhere and a couple of men came right up to us and started talking to both of us. This one man was interested in her. He was talking to her. I had already coached her on what to do. She was talking to him, but then what I told her to do is go ahead and engage them a little bit, but make sure you turn back and talk to me. Don’t just keep talking to him because that’s what she used to do.

She did that. She was talking to him. Then she turned her back and started talking to me. What happened was in that moment he started talking to his friend, but he was also looking over at us. What I want you to know here, if you’re out in a social setting, this can help. It’s okay to approach men or be approached by men. That’s okay, but you don’t want to overly engage them. This little strategy is if they come up to you or you go up to them, that’s okay. You can say, “I noticed that you guys came in with that big group. Are you here as a part of the convention?” or whatever is applicable. Then after you get a little connected, then you turn back to your friend and you re-engage her. What this does is it creates a little tension because you connected and then you did a takeaway, now you disconnect.

The way to really know if a man is interested in you is to see how much he pursues you. Click To Tweet

What this does and why this is important for you to know is that at that moment, this man now feels that disconnect. He feels that takeaway and men do not like that. They want to win. You just created a little challenge for him to re-engage you. If he doesn’t reengage you, then he’s either intimidated or he’s not interested or you didn’t give them enough of the signal. You definitely want to give them enough of a conversation where you talk a little bit and then turn back to your friend. This is what she did. She did it perfectly. She turned back to me, we were talking and then they re-engaged us. Then I knew it was game on. I knew the tension was gone. They were interested. They engaged us. They asked us to join them for dinner and it was snowing out. We went and sat down and had a little bite to eat with them. The long story short, by the end of the weekend, this man was smitten with my friend. I remember on the way driving back home, he was calling her cell phone and I said, “Don’t get the phone.”

She’s like, “What do you mean? I need to answer this phone. I like him. I want to see him again.” He lived in the same city that she did. I said, “That’s the whole thing. If you want to see him again, don’t answer the phone.” She was dying. She was like, “I have to answer this.” I’m like, “Don’t do it. You’ll kill the deal,” so she didn’t answer the phone. She’s like, “I just can’t believe anybody would do this.” I’m like, “That’s why I’m your coach.” Sure enough, it was a two-and-a-half-hour drive. By the time we got home, there was a voicemail from him saying that he wanted to talk with her. That he was going on a trip. He wants her to go with him. He had all these plans for her. That created a lot of tension.

The fact that she didn’t take his call, she was busy in the car with me and then she listened to the voicemail. The tension was on because not only did she not take the call, she didn’t call him back for several hours. Then she did return his call later that night and they had a great conversation. They ended up dating for about a year. It was good that she was following the coaching because what she wanted to do was engage them. She’s like, “These guys talk like us. Let’s continue to talk to them.” She would have made all those mistakes that maybe you’ve made in the past. I hope that little insight helps when you’re out and about. If you want to engage a man, follow that little tip.

EAA 2 | Stop Chasing Men

Stop Chasing Men: The key is to stay in a receiving mode. Lean back and let him come to you.

 

Some Things You Could Be Doing Without Even Realizing You’re Chasing Men

Some things that are not so subtle is when we’re chasing men, you might say, “I don’t chase men.” I might say, “I think you do.” Here are some things that are subtler that you could be doing without even realizing that you’re chasing men. If you’re out on a date or you work with somebody, you may offer to do something for him. You’re out on a date. Things are going well, you’re having a great conversation. He’s interested in knowing more about this meditation or a hobby that you have that is intriguing to him. You might say, “I’d be happy to send you the link for that or send you that information.” That is chasing right there. You just took the tension off. You’re now setting up to do something for him. You’re providing something for him. You’d taken away his job. He is the provider. At that moment, he wants to provide for you/ By you offering to do something for him, you’ve made it so that he can’t win. That’s a subtle thing that women do to chase men. It pushes men away. They don’t need you to send them a link. They’re interested because you’re passionate about it, not necessarily that they want to want to do it as well. That’s a big mistake that women make that think that they’re not chasing men.

Another thing that you can do that’s very subtle that doesn’t feel like chasing is unintentionally and accidentally inviting yourself to do things with him. Say you’re on a date again or you’re on the phone. This could happen on the phone easily. He’s talking about how much he loves sports and he’s going to the Padres game and you’re just in conversation. You’re not even aware that this comes out of your mouth. You might say, “I would love to go to the Padres game.” You’re chasing. He’s backing up now because now you’re chasing him. That’s the thing with backing up. There’s body language. When you lean in like that, he backs up. The key is to stay in this receiving mode that I’ve been talking about, leaning back, and letting him come to you. The answer to that question, if he’s talking about this game and he loves sports and he’s going on about the Padres or whatever, you say, “I love how passionate you are about sports. That is amazing. That’s interesting to me.” That’s it. You just show interest in it and then leave that question mark hanging there. You gave him a green light to ask you to go to a Padres game without inviting yourself. That’s how you get invited.

Another way that’s not so obvious is overstaying phone calls, texts, and in person. I have another client that made this fatal error and you might’ve done it yourself and I know we’ve all made these mistakes. She was asked out. It was the first date. It went extremely well. They went to a beautiful restaurant overlooking the ocean. It was a wonderful date with him at the restaurant and she was excited. She got home and emailed me and said, “I had such a fantastic time. He’s incredible.” Guess what? He didn’t call her back. As soon as she told me that she had spent five or six hours at this restaurant and they had an amazing time, 85% of me was saying he’s not going to call her back. Why didn’t he call her back if they had such an amazing time? He was having a good time and they connected. It’s because she was just too available. She had no place to go so she just stayed with him all day. Her stock went down at that moment. You had like all this stock when you show up in the date and increment by increment, your stock is dropping by your behavior and you unintentionally sabotage yourself because you don’t know this.

The big mistake that women make is not engaging in those instant messages in a more intimate way. Click To Tweet

Why Women Don’t Get Asked Out On Second Dates

What would have been a better scenario for her? Even if she was enjoying herself and he’s an amazing man is after two and a half hours, if it was amazing, after that say, “It’s been lovely. I’ve enjoyed this time. Thank you for the wonderful meal and I’ve got to get running. It was great. I’d love to do it again.” You’re letting him know that if he asks you out again, you would say yes. Then you get up and you leave and you let him watch you leave if it’s appropriate. Sometimes they’ll walk you to the door, walk you to the car and walk out to the valet. If you do walk out together and you’re going to the valet, even these little things, men pick up on all these little things. When your car comes, you just wave to him. “Bye. Thanks,” and you hop in your car and you don’t look back and you drive away. You need to keep the tension on. You need to keep him guessing just a little.

You’ve made it clear during the course of your time with him that you’re interested in him by your whole demeanor. By just getting in your car and driving away and not looking back, you’re keeping that tension on. Now, he’s interested in seeing you again. He’s excited about you because you remained a little bit mysterious. He wonders where you’re going and what you’re doing at that moment, but if you overstay on those dates or in phone conversations, you’ve answered so many questions for him. He loses interest. You’ve told them the whole story. There’s no reason to ask you out on a second date. It’s probably one of the biggest reasons that women don’t get asked out on second dates. There’s another reason why you don’t get asked on second dates and that’s because you lack boundaries. Boundaries are gold. They are gold and they’re hot. Men love a woman with healthy boundaries and it means having a little bit of sass. It doesn’t mean being cocky. That’s too strong of a word, but it’s being a little sassy.

Where that’s sass can come from? It’s from you knowing what you like and what you don’t like and not settling for doing something that you don’t want to do. In other words, it’s not being a yes woman, saying yes to everything. If you’re sitting there on a date and you’re saying, “Yes, that’s great. Yes, I agree with that. Sure. That’s fine. Order that”, yes to everything, he’s over there yawning. He can’t wait to get out of there. It’s boring and you’re not showing any individuality. You want to be agreeable. You think you’re being nice, but where you’re doing is shutting him down because he wants to know what your feelings are about things he’s interested in you.

EAA 2 | Stop Chasing Men

Stop Chasing Men: Give him the opportunity to like you. Don’t close the gap too soon that you’re not leaving any tension.

 

For example, you go into a restaurant and maybe he’s waiting there for you and he’s sitting at a table, but you noticed that there’s a booth available. I’ve done this before and you’d rather sit in the booth. It’s okay to go up and greet him, do your greeting and then say to him, “It’s kind of loud in here.” You can lean in a little and say, “If we moved over to that booth, do you think that would be okay?” At that moment, he gets to win. He gets to go out and find out if that booth is available and get that booth for you and if it is available, he’s going to get that booth for you. He just won and he’s your hero now and now you’re in the booth. You’re like, “This is much better. I can hear you so much better. Thank you so much.” It’s okay to do that. What’s not okay is to walk in and be like, “I don’t want to sit here. It’s not very comfortable,” and start complaining about it.

You want to involve him into your vision in a gentle way, but you can certainly redirect that table. That’s having a little confidence. It’s having a little sass. It’s definitely working on your boundaries and not being afraid to share your opinions. Stay away from politics and religion on dates. Let me give you some other examples. If you want a man to chase you, there are certain qualities that a woman possessed that all men find irresistible. They’re naturally going to chase you if you can cultivate these qualities in yourself. You already have all of these qualities. They’re just muscles that have atrophied because you haven’t been using them and maybe it’s because you’ve been spending too much time in your masculine energy and maybe it’s because you just haven’t practiced enough. It does work and it’s a more natural way for men and women to connect.

Lean Back Like A Queen On A Throne

I was saying just lean back. What we’re doing is we’re creating a space of love for a man to come into. Men love to come into a woman’s space of love, but you have to stay in that space because once you lean forward or try to take the lead, there’s no space because that blocks him from coming in. What that looks like is just leaning back in your chair with your body language, not leaning forward in the conversation. You could sit up and be animated like I am, but make sure that for the most part, your posture is relaxed and you’re leaning back and you’re smiling and it’s just being graceful. It’s having a grace about you. It’s showing qualities of unconditional love and acceptance. A man is looking for a woman who’s accepting especially with him. Men can tell when we’re judging. Say the guy shows up and he’s shorter than you thought he was going to be, or he has less hair or whatever is going on. It wasn’t something that you were prepared for. A woman who’s in her feminine energy is going to roll with that. It’s not going to bother her at all. She’s going to look at him and accept him because he’s another human being and you want to focus on the being, not necessarily the behaviors. You’re looking to show up in a more accepting way, a more loved-based approach to everything, leaning back and showing your intelligence, not leading with your intellect but you’re not dimming that light at all.

All of your mistakes in life have been lessons. If you learn from them, that can be the short path. Click To Tweet

It’s like a queen that sits on a throne. She’s gentle, she’s kind, and she’s empathetic. She’s listening. She’s a skilled communicator. It’s just a building up that inner queen that we all have in us. You just have to practice this by going on dates. I know a lot of women say, “I don’t want to do any practice dates,” but these men are willing to show up and give you the opportunity to practice on them. What if you make a couple of mistakes the first time? As soon as you notice you’re taking over, you can just lean back. I would recommend going on a couple of practice dates and practicing that skill. I do have a couple of questions that I wanted to answer. The first question is playing games. She said, “I hate playing games, but I feel like because I’m strong, confident, and know my own mind, I come on too strong. I’ve been told to let the guy do the chasing, play hard to get, but if I know what and who I want, I go for it and then scare them off. I need a better approach with guys that I’m interested in.” We already covered that. You do need a better approach because what you’re doing isn’t working. Men want to engage you. They want to do the chasing.

If you know you like a man, all the better. It isn’t a game, but if you like him, now you have to see if he likes you. That’s the thing. To answer this question, the problem is that you’re not giving him the opportunity to like you because you’re closing the gap too soon. You’re not leaving any tension. If you decide you like a guy, then you go for it. He hasn’t made up his mind if he likes you or not, and then you’re pursuing him and I can see why that would be a dead end for you. You’re definitely leading with that pursuit energy. If you like a guy, that’s great. Lean back and see what he does because, in that moment of watching in the unknown, I know it’s uncomfortable because you’re out of your comfort zone and you feel vulnerable. In those moments, you will discover how he feels about you. That is the information that you need to know. You need to know how he feels about you, but you’re not going to find out if you pursue him because he’s going to run away. You’ll never know.

How To Know If He’s Interested In You

The way to know if a man is interested in you is to see how much he pursues you. Just like my client who turned away and then didn’t answer the call, these are all tests to see how interested he was. Men respond to no contact. I know that sounds crazy, but at the beginning of dating, you need to know right up front because I don’t want you to waste any time because I want you to get engaged at any age and time is precious. You need to know right up front where he stands. He will reveal who he is in the very first couple of hours, a couple of days right away if you give him that opportunity. What happens with women is we get afraid that we’re going to lose them or they’re going to get away. As soon as we think that they like us, then our impulse kicks in and now we’re leaning forward and we’re chasing and that’s how we sabotage it.

EAA 2 | Stop Chasing Men

Stop Chasing Men: If you’re serious about having a committed relationship, make that internal commitment to yourself to not have casual sex because you’re choosing something bigger for yourself.

 

Even if a guy starts out liking you, just like the woman at brunch, by the end of the day, she sabotaged the whole process because she had him on the hook, but then she left too much line. She didn’t create that tension so that she can reel him in. It’s an art. It’s a skill set that you can teach yourself, but you have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone to do it. You have to be willing to do things that you haven’t done before in order for you to have what you want. Let’s look at another question. “If I’m messaging someone on Match, is it too forward for me to ask him to meet if he seems to just want to message?” “No.” In modern dating, it’s wonderful for you to tee it up. You’re not on a date. It’s totally acceptable, especially online to go ahead and say something because you don’t want to be in an instant message relationship. You don’t want an email or text relationship. What that would look like is if you notice something in his profile. He said, “I like walking on the beach as well.” You go share a couple of intimate details. If you want him to call you, the part about that instant message, it’s important that you reveal more intimacy so that he’s intrigued.

If he says, “I’ve been to the beach,” you’re instant messaging. He writes about himself, he’s been to this beach and he loves the sunset. I want you to write back, “I love the beach because I love to put my feet in the sand and I love the way that feels. It relaxes me.” At that moment it just gives me the feeling that everything in life is okay. At that moment, everything just seemed to gel for me. If you could just get real with him in an instant message and get more descriptive, paint a vision of what you’re like and the essence of who you are, he’s going to be very captivated by that. He might respond one more time, three back and forth, and then you can say, “I’d love to hear more about that. How do you suggest we move forward?” You just pass the ball over to him. You’re not asking them out, but you’re indirectly letting him know that you’d like to talk to him. Now, it’s up to him to respond to you. If he does not say, “Let’s jump on the phone,” you walk away. You just move on to the next one because you’ve put it all in his court and you’ve done it in a graceful way.

You only need the one and the right man. Click To Tweet

It’s not taking the masculine but you’re not on there to have an instant message relationship. You need to create the boundary that this is all you’re going to get. Create that intimacy. The tension is you need to call me now and set it up and then he’s going to get on the phone with you. Was that helpful? That’s confusing for women. The big mistake that women make is not engaging in those instant messages in a more intimate way. I’m not talking sexually. Be very careful here. Playful, sassy, and more intimate in terms of the details. How you’re feeling. Describe it. Describe food you like or why you like it and how it makes you feel and what turns you on. I’m not talking about sexual. I’m just talking about what lights you up, what you’re passionate about. Let that spill over to those instant messages that he’ll be intrigued by you that he’ll want to meet you.

Instant Gratification Versus The Law Of Germination

Let’s take one more question. “I find that intimacy develops too soon and that it’s a huge factor in my chasing a guy. He often backs off and become disinterested while I’m emotionally hooked. Often, a long time ago after a relationship ended, I’m still getting over an ex from a year ago. Even though I know it’s over, whenever I run into him, I still look to see if he misses me. I’m trying to detach, but it’s hard. Chasing stops when a woman is not interested. It’s hard to do when sex has already happened between them.” Absolutely it is because men don’t bond sexually when they have sex with a woman, but women do. That chemical bonding happens when we have sex with a man. That’s why I recommend, if you’re serious about having a committed relationship, then it’s time for you to make that internal commitment to yourself to not have casual sex because you’re choosing something bigger for yourself. It’s foregoing the instant gratification and invoking the law of germination. You’ve got to plant that seed and give it time to grow.

You need to abstain from that initially when you’re dating so that you can see the signals that he’s sending you because you’re giving her a lot of information before you sleep with him. The moment you sleep with him, you go unconscious, you don’t see the signals. You don’t see the flag flying because now you’ve emotionally bonded. It’s a whole different playing field. In her case, she never let him go because she doesn’t believe this is a belief that she’s going to meet anybody else. It comes down to your belief system. You have to look and see, “Because I don’t let go of this man, what do I do?” You look at all the consequences that are stacking up for not letting go. It’s anchored to a belief that somewhere along the line you picked up a belief that you’re not going to meet anybody else and you need to examine that. Stop that belief from continuing to perpetuate itself in your life. Because as long as you don’t release yourself from that belief system, you’re continuing to attract men by the law of attraction to highlight, to trigger that belief so that you can heal it.

That’s why we continue to attract men that aren’t emotionally available, that aren’t going to commit to us because it’s doing that in an attempt to get us to heal that belief system that’s not serving us. What we think is it all men are cheaters. All men leave, all men abandon us, but it’s the reflection of what we believe. This is exactly what I’m going to be teaching in my Bridge to Love Program. You need to get to the core, the root, or the origin of the problem. It is the short path to meeting your soul mate. It’s not the long path. The long path is going to continue to do what you’ve done and get the same result. That’s the long path. The long path that is also for you to look at your mistakes as mistakes. All of your mistakes in life have been lessons. If you learn from them, that can be the short path. Just give yourself a break right now. If you’re listening to this and you recognize that you’ve made some mistakes because when you beat yourself up about these mistakes, it drains your energy and you need that energy.

You need that energy because you need to unconditionally love and accept yourself more than you ever have before in this dating process because the more you love and accept yourself, the more a man will. As soon as you make a mistake, I want you to quickly forgive yourself, accept yourself, and move on. Do not let your mind beat you up because it’s a waste of time that drains energy and it and it will continue to perpetuate the cycle until you learn to stop doing that. This is all that I’m teaching you in the Bridge to Love program. There are incredible bonuses. We’ve got five weeks of jam-packed tools and information. I’m going to help you to take all of the knowledge that you’ve learned. The big problem I see with women is there are amazing women. You’re all are deep. You’ve read every book. You’ve watched every events, these interviews and you’ve done a lot of work. What can happen is you have a lot of intellectual knowledge, but without being able to apply that knowledge, it’s useless. Knowledge without action is useless. I’m all about the action. I’m an Aries, I’m a dragon, and I’ve always been about the action.

I love to take action. It’s easy for me because this part comes naturally for me and that’s why I’m the perfect mentor for you. I want you to just look at that. Think about what I’ve just said. Intellectual knowledge is useless unless you take action. This course is all about helping you to finally use all the information that you’ve gathered over the years. Some incredible wisdom that you have and help you to start to apply it in your life so that you can see the results you want. It’s instantaneous. This is called the fast track program. It is. That’s what I should have called it because I don’t want you to waste another moment going on dates that aren’t producing a relationship. I don’t want to spend any more time swiping or any more time sending out notes. There is a Law of Least Effort that you can invoke right now, and that’s learning these life skills. They’re universal laws of the universe. It’s like gravity. Gravity applies to all of us. If you step off the floor of the second building, we’re all going down.

The Law Of Cause And Effect

The Law of Cause and Effect, you reap what you sow. These Universal Laws, you need to understand what they are because they apply to you. Even if you don’t believe it, then you’re right, but they still apply to you. If you don’t believe in karma, karma still believes in you because it’s science. It’s energy. Likes attract likes. Whatever energy you’re vibrating out, “I’m never going to need a man. All men are jerks,” whatever that energy is, you’re going to be attracting those men in order to confirm that you’re right. There are no good men out there. All men are jerks. Once you heal that part of you, those belief systems, you raise your vibration. You raise your stock. You show up as a sassy queen who knows her worth and knows how to lean back because she trusts that the man is going to come to her. If he doesn’t, then he’s not your guy.

Believe me, you only need one and the right man and you may have been on this treadmill for years and I do not want you to give up because the right man will come along and you won’t have to guess. He will scoop you up so fast as soon as you can stay in the receiving position because that’s what he wants. What comes with the receiving position? What comes with that position is all this incredible juiciness, a lovely essence of who you are. That’s what a man wants to connect with. He doesn’t need to connect to your intellect. He wants to connect to your heart and that’s where he wants to live and he’s out there in the world slaying the dragons. You’ve got to stay in your castle and be the queen so he can be your hero. I know that sounds airy-fairy, but it is simple. It is a skill set that you need to learn and I’m just the girl to teach you.

I hope you’ll take a look at the Bridge to Love. You’ve got an amazing group of team of love coaches that are dying to help you, to guide you and to see you get exactly what you want and get engaged at any age. I worked with women in their 50s, 60s, or 70s. We never stopped wanting love in our life. That yearning is never going to go away. Take the plunge, take the chance, and step out of your comfort zone. The energy of commitment is what you need right now. When you make a commitment to do something, the universe will rise up to meet you. The energy of committing to doing this work with me is making a statement. You’re making a declaration that I’m ready and I’m going to do whatever it takes so that I can have what I want. I hope this was helpful. Don’t chase men. Ladies, you’re all so amazing. Your value cannot be quantified in jobs, in degrees, in titles, and in material possessions. Your value resides in you knowing who you are and when you understand that, you become powerful beyond belief and you will become irresistible. Thank you so much.

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Categories : Attraction, Beliefs, Confidence, Create the Life You Want, Episodes, Relationships
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EAA 24 | Emotionally Unavailable Men

Dating Advice On How To Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men | Engaged at Any Age

Posted by Jaki Sabourin 
· May 14, 2019 
· No Comments

EAA 24 | Emotionally Unavailable Men

 

In our dating history, we may have encountered men who, after making you feel multiple possibilities, ghost you. They stop turning up and eventually disappear and leave, making you see how emotionally unavailable they were. If this continues to go on, you may not find yourself becoming committed soon. How then do you stop attracting emotionally unavailable men? Jaki has the answers as she takes us to look from the inside out. She asks us to look within ourselves and identify whether or not we are also emotionally unavailable, as she shares some signs of emotional unavailability that you can figure out and address with your partner.

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Watch the episode here:

 

Dating Advice On How To Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men

I wanted to talk about how to stop attracting emotionally unavailable men. I hear this a lot. These men are emotionally unavailable and it seems to be a big complaint with women and I get it. In fact, I used to say that quite a bit in my own life and in my own experiences. I was constantly thinking that men are emotionally unavailable. In fact, I wanted to share a little story with you because it’s going to help make it more “relatable” to you. I don’t know if you’ve ever been ghosted or even know what that term means. It means when the man disappears and doesn’t bother to let you know that he left the relationship and that can be painful. He leaves you to feel that he wasn’t emotionally available. That happened to me. What happened was I was seeing somebody for a couple of months and we were having a wonderful time. I was thinking that this could be something special and we had spent the weekend together.

What happened was after that weekend that I thought was wonderful, I never heard from him again. That really stung. I was thinking I cannot believe that I got ghosted that this guy just disappeared because I didn’t see that coming. I was trying to draw my conclusions around him being emotionally unavailable and why would anyone do that to another person. When I started to examine what was behind that, I did that by the process of asking myself some questions. After I got out of blaming him, I started to look at a deeper connection to what I was doing and how I was showing up. I want you to ask yourself this question, “What are the ways that I’m being unavailable in this relationship?” I want you to ask yourself a question, “What are the ways that you’re being unavailable in your dating experience? What beliefs are keeping you from fully committing to the process?” There are a lot of things that you can be doing that are causing you to be emotionally unavailable. When you’re emotionally unavailable, you’re not going to be connecting with these men because you’re not available to make that connection.

When you're emotionally unavailable, you also attract those who are. Click To Tweet

For example, I have a client that is dating a nice guy. She’s been on about six dates with him and she had told me that she’s going to stop seeing him because all he does is talk about himself. She said he’s a good guy. He’s very nice but he goes on and on and on. I was listening to her and she’s complaining that he’s not emotionally available because he’s so preoccupied with his own story and what’s going on in his life that he never asked her anything. I started to ask her, “What patterns do you see repeating in this experience?” I asked her about her history and she went to share with me about her history but here’s the thing that she meant. I said, “What’s the common denominator in these previous relationships?” She started to go into the details and I said, “You’re missing the point. The common denominator in the relationships is you. You’re the consistent theme in the relationship so I want you to look at what pattern is repeating itself in this relationship.”

She wanted to withdraw and stopped dating him and that’s her coping mechanism. Instead of being able to address the fact that he was not listening to her, she’s going to withdraw. In that moment and in these relationships, she’s the one who’s being emotionally unavailable. I would say they both are but here’s a golden opportunity. It’s an opportunity for her to reverse that pattern, to stop the pattern and turn it around. What that is going to require is for her to become emotionally available. She’s going to have to be vulnerable and intimate at that moment with that man, emotionally speaking, and give him an opportunity to step up into being more emotionally available. I would encourage all of you to take a deep look at how you’re showing up and check in with the pattern that you have in your past. Here’s what I told her to do. I told her when he starts talking and he’s going on and on, I told her to lean forward, put your hand on his forearm and just say his name over and over until he stops talking.

Intervene and lean in and say, “Are you open to hearing what I want to share? I’ve enjoyed hearing about what you’ve been talking about but I’d like the opportunity to share a little bit.” Then pause. Lean and put your hand. If the man’s talking and he’s going on and on, a part of that is nervousness, part of that is that he isn’t emotionally available. You have this golden opportunity to create this emotional intimate moment where at that moment he can step into it so you can lead the way. You do that by holding a boundary around what it is that you want. What she was doing is she was putting his needs before hers and in an attempt to fill the need, she’s going to withdraw. That’s what she’s been doing all along and that’s getting her the same thing that she’s been getting, which is no relationships which is emotional unavailability.

By her addressing it at that moment and by leaning in and saying, “I love what you’re saying but I would like the opportunity to share a little bit. Are you open to hearing what I have to say?” You do that again with the feather. Everything that I teach is about being very gentle about how you present things because it’s not what you say, it’s how you’re saying it and how it’s being perceived that gets people to shut down. If she was to be more assertive, he’ll back up and stop telling her anything altogether but you don’t want that. You want him to notice that he’s going on his monologue and be able to stop and focus on what you have to say and believe me, he will realize. That’s like with anyone if someone does that to you at that moment, you’re going to go, “Yes, of course. I want to hear what you have to say.” Inside, he’s going to be, “Yeah, I was talking. I was rambling.” It’s a golden opportunity to address these unconscious patterns that are sabotaging you.

EAA 24 | Emotionally Unavailable Men

Emotionally Unavailable Men: It’s not what you say, it’s how you’re saying it and how it’s being perceived.

Another big one is fear. Here’s a big fear that I had and it especially happens when you’re single for a long time, is the fear of commitment or fear of being found out. I realized looking back on that relationship that I had, I was the one that was emotionally unavailable. I had been watching the signs all along. He was sending me signs. He wasn’t doing certain things that I wanted to do but I was ignoring those because I was afraid that one, I wouldn’t meet anybody else and two, that it was a little too intimate. I wasn’t ready to be that intimate with someone, so I wasn’t willing to address what he was doing and letting him know what my needs were because I was too afraid to do that. Subsequently what that did for him is it turned him off. I turned myself into a pretzel for him and it wasn’t attractive. He abandoned the relationship. I was the one who was emotionally unavailable and so was he because he didn’t go to me. It isn’t a very mature thing to do but it’s one way to solve the problem. What was coming up for me was ahead of all this fear around he’s going to find out. You may not be connecting to this in a conscious way but sometimes we have a deep fear to be accepted.

We don’t want anyone to see those deep fears, so we have this protection in place that all the good men are taken. These rational lies that we tell ourselves to keep us safe but to keep us stuck because looking at the truth or maybe I’m not lovable or I’m not good enough is much harder to look at. It’s going deeper and getting behind what’s going on. Looking at your pattern that’s repeating in your relationships and looking at what belief or fear about the relationship that’s keeping you stuck in a pattern. Also looking at what you need to do and to believe in order to change this experience you’re having because experiences come from your beliefs. You have a belief and then you created an experience that aligns with it. In order for you to change the experience, you got to back up. You’ve got to examine your unconscious beliefs that are running this experience. For me, I had an unconscious belief that I wasn’t good enough and I had a lot of fear. When I analyzed it and got in there and did this deep work that I’ve done is, I was afraid that someone would discover that it was true. That I’m not good enough. I had to do that work to repair that relationship with myself that was keeping me from being emotionally available.

I had so much fear around someone seeing me and accepting me for who I was because I hadn’t accepted myself for who I was. Everything that I talk about is interrelated. It’s all connected. It all goes back to these approvals and us hiding behind these patterns in an attempt to stay safe and to not be hurt. In the process of staying safe and not being hurt, we’re keeping out the love that we long for. I know that one of the biggest regrets that you will ever have in life is to not have love in your life and recognizing that you could be the problem. In recognizing that you could be the problem, you also are the solution. That’s why this is so exciting for you to have this awareness because healing accompanies awareness. The more awareness that you bring to these patterns, to this emotional unavailability and skills so that you can address it on a date across from this man and present it in a way that he can hear it is going to help you rapidly change. You’re going to start seeing a different type of man show up because you’ve shifted.

When you shift, others can shift. It just takes recognizing, bringing awareness to it and then using some different skills. Having more boundaries around what it is that you want and being able to articulate that to the man that you’re sitting across from but you are doing it in a way that invites more trust. You’re not going to hammer him with like, “You know what would make me really happy? I would love it if we could have another appetizer. I’m starving.” You can ask for that or, “I don’t like salad. I like some pasta.” Just letting your needs be known, putting your needs above his and then seeing if he will step up and meet that need. You have to present it and you have to present it in a way that it gives him an opportunity.

The rational lies we tell ourselves keep us safe but also keep us stuck because looking at the truth is much harder to do. Click To Tweet

If you think about when you’re online and you’re like, “I’m not attracting any good men online.” You have to look at how you’re showing up and how you’re presenting it. When your profile talks all about yourself and all the things you’ve done and everything you want, it’s like a, “Me, me, me,” story. You got to look at it from a man’s perspective. He sees that he doesn’t know where he’s going to fit in your life because you haven’t given him a vision of what role he would play. It starts by looking at your profile. Is it speaking to the men in a way that he’s like, “She loves men and she’s interested in making me a priority and making me her biggest fan.” You want to lead with what that looks like for him and adding in those pieces about yourself but you do need to get his attention. Some of your profiles are showing up emotionally unavailable because it’s all about you and he doesn’t see where he fits into that. Taking another look at how you’re showing up, what you’re saying in those emails and those instant messages that are causing some disconnect and creating a little more intimacy. Go ahead and take some more risks because the bigger the risk, the bigger the game.

Take more risks emotionally speaking so that you will have the experience of stepping out of that. It always helps to have support to do that. You’re going to be getting a lot of support from me because I’m launching my next interview series. We’re going to be talking at a much deeper level about all these topics, about sabotaging, about the fears that are associated with dating, and about the fear of commitment. That’s a big one. You wouldn’t think that when you go to get committed, you would have all this fear. Much fear comes up because you’re confronted with changing your life and merging your life with the man. All of these fear-based thinking is going to surface so that you can heal it. A lot of times what happened is so much fear surfaces that you push back and you sabotage it. We’re going to be diving into all of that in that interview series. Make sure you’re signed up for that and also, I love getting your questions and comments and the emails. A lot of you have been sending me a lot of emails and comments and I would love to continue to get those so that I can answer these questions. It was so great to connect with all of you.

Don’t forget that life is so much better when you have love in it. Don’t give up on your dreams. Never ever give up on your dreams because love happens fast. One minute you’re single and the next minute you’re planning your honeymoon and your weekend retreat. You’ve got to be diligent. You have to be consistent and you have to be deliberate in everything you do. You have to be consistent with that so you can start to get some traction here and you can start to shift and things will start to show up in your life. Thank you for being here. Lots of love to you.

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