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I Met My Husband On Match.com
We’re taking a deep dive into loving the single life, mastering dating, and attracting the one. I am featuring my soul mate husband, Michael Sabourin. Michael, thanks for being here and welcome.
Hello to everyone that is going to take the time to read this. It’s my pleasure to offer insights into my experiences and hopefully, you’ll be able to find your soul mate as well.
Thank you so much for being here, ladies. I was excited to introduce Michael to you because I know a lot of women ask me about Michael and my experience in meeting him. They want to hear from him about his online dating experience because we met on Match and we’ve been together for a few years. This is the man who said to me when I met him, “I’m never getting married again.” Michael, will you give the ladies a little history and your background? Share with them a little bit about you.
I graduated from college with a degree in business. For many years, I have been working in the business environment in a few different industries. I’ve been working as a developer and a home builder. I have also been married previously and I have two wonderful children who are 24 and 27 years old. I’m proud of both of them.
The ladies that are in my community, I surveyed them. I asked them what they wanted me to ask you and the first couple of questions came up. They wanted to hear from you on how did you know that I was the one? What made you fall in love with me? What was the difference between me and the other women that you dated? If you can talk a little bit about that, that’d be great.
That has a lot of different doors to open. The first time I saw your profile on Match, I remember it vividly. I was sitting at home on a Friday evening. I work late. I was scrolling through Match and I saw your photo and I thought, “What a beautiful woman.” I read your profile and I thought, “She has an even more beautiful heart,” and that drew me to you immediately. I sent an email on Friday night and on Saturday, you responded back to me. I responded back and said, “I would like to have a phone conversation if you’re up for it.” You replied back, “Yes.” I was with my son Saturday and Sunday, I remember well because it was Father’s Day on Sunday and I said, “I would be unavailable for the day.”
After my son and I had spent the day experiencing all the wonderful things we love to do together, that I would be more than happy to get on a phone call. We got on a phone call that night and it was a wonderful conversation. I remember thinking that, “We share a lot of the same values.” That was important to me. We arranged to meet the next night. We met at one of our favorite restaurants in La Jolla. I can remember watching you walk down the sidewalk into the restaurant and what a wonderful feeling I had when you walked in that door.
For me, I remember walking down that sidewalk and wanting to run the other way. I was nervous. First dates are nerve-wracking. This was another first date experience. I had this fear come up in me. If you’ve been on many first dates or maybe it’s your first one, you haven’t been dating in a while. It’s scary to go on a first date. The impulse to run or to get out of there, to not show yourself, be vulnerable and be authentic, it’s intense. I overcame it. I kept going and I’m glad I did. I’m glad I didn’t run. I walked into that restaurant and looked Michael right in the eye, smiling at him. He was such a gentleman the entire evening. He stood up when I approached and helped pulled my chair out for me. We proceeded to have a nice evening together. I’m glad I showed up for that date and here we are.
I remember that evening well. I could sense that nervousness about you. My thought was, “I need to do whatever I can do to make her feel relaxed and comfortable.” I was myself. I was calm. I used my normal personality, wit, and humor. It wasn’t long until we were both very relaxed and in a conversation and a dialogue. From that moment on, I had this nervous energy about me but it was a positive, nervous energy. It was excitement. It was a rejuvenated sense about being with somebody that I thought I could get along with and form a relationship with.
You got all of that from a first date. Do you feel that men can tell? They get a sense for a woman on the first date and can make some assumptions about whether or not they see a future with her or not.
I thought so from the day that I saw you on Match, then on our phone conversation, then in our meeting at the restaurant. What I found was you were always consistent. I found that we shared values. We learned about each other, that we shared a lot of the same interests and that helped in me thinking, “This could be a long-term relationship and the finding of a soul mate.” One thing that I found that happened to me is I constantly thought of you. Whether I was at work, whether I was at home or whatever I was doing, I was thinking of you and of the possibilities.
Do you still think of me all the time?
I do because I text you throughout the day. As the largest privately held builder in San Diego, I am a very busy person, but I always think of you. I take the time to text you and call you every day. It’s important to me and for you.
That’s one of the things I love about you and I appreciate those texts you send me that say, “I’m thinking of you.” What are some of the other qualities? Do you remember any of the experiences that we had in the first couple of dates that stood out to you? The women that are reading this are trying to get a feel for how important it is to use the skills and strategies that all the experts are talking about on this summit. How important they are and how they can convert into a relationship if you apply those on the first couple of dates and interactions in your profile.
I’ll summarize it first and then I’ll tell you some details. You were fun and you’re easy. We are easy.
We have a sense of humor, ladies. You have to know that about us. You have to have a sense of humor in this process, otherwise, it’s too hard. You have to bring some levity to it.When we don't use boundaries, we feel uncomfortable. Click To Tweet
Yes, you are. I found that being with you was easy. I remember that when we went out on our second date, we had sat down at the table in a nice restaurant in La Jolla. We had ordered a bottle of wine. The wine steward had poured the wine and as we were making a toast to our second date, I started to drink and I had a mouthful of wine. You said, “I decided to give you a second chance.” As you said that, I looked at you and I had a mouthful of wine. It struck me as funny and I spewed an entire mouthful of red wine on your white outfit.
It happened. He totally did that. You can imagine how shocked I was on a second date to have that. I had red wine dripping off my eyelashes.
It was something. I felt sorry and apologetic, but you let it run off your shoulders. I was surprised that you didn’t get upset. You didn’t yell. You didn’t leave. You said, “It’s not a problem,” and I remember the waiter saw it. When he saw it, he was like, “I can’t believe this happened.” He ran over with soda water. You took it. You went to the restroom, dabbed yourself out. You came back and we had a wonderful dinner. That’s one of the things that I immediately registered in my mind. It didn’t take long to realize how sweet you are. It came through clear. You are compassionate and I could feel that. One of the things I liked is that you communicated well. You are the best communicator I have ever met. You tell me what you want. You tell me what you need. You’re open about it in such a loving and sensitive way. You’re the best. I can’t say more.
I liked that you said, “In a sensitive way.” What happens with women is that we do have needs and wants and desires, but we have a hard time articulating those things to the men. A lot of times we don’t say anything and then we start to resent them. We’re not being able to read our mind or we will attempt to share what we want, but in that process use the wrong tone or present it in a more abrasive way which will alienate a man. It’s not what you say. It’s how you say it and always approaching everything with a feather and not hammering it in but inviting him to want to please you by approaching it in a soft way. I know that if I approach you from that way, anybody is more than happy to help. When you’re coming at somebody aggressively or too direct, sometimes people tend to back up and close down, especially with men. That might come from experiences or from not wanting to hurt women that men shut down. I don’t know if you had that experience, but that could be pretty common.
One of the things that I admired about you is that you taught me. I’ve been in business a long time, but this is not just in business. This is in personal life. I saw that you had boundaries and I was impressed with the way that you do that. You do that in your daily life. Let me give you an example of what was eye-opening for me. You and I were dating. It was early. We went to a restaurant. We had run into friends of mine and they were friends of mine for a long time. We spoke for a couple minutes and you and I were having a nice evening catching up with each other after work. Out of the blue, this person reached across and said, “Michael, how is Leslie?” It happens to be my ex-wife. I looked at her and I was stunned that she would say that and I’m with Jaki.
Jaki didn’t even hesitate. She leaned over in front of me and said, “Excuse me, that’s inappropriate. We’re not going to discuss that tonight.” This person sat back and realized that was out of line, that was inappropriate, and it didn’t go anywhere else. That’s only one example but she is so good about setting boundaries at every level. She does it in a compassionate, loving, and sensitive way. She doesn’t get in your face. She doesn’t yell. She doesn’t raise her voice. She just says the right thing. That’s what I love about her and I’ve learned to do and be better myself because I’m not as good as Jaki is.
I don’t know. I might disagree with you but certainly having boundaries is such an important part about relationships because boundaries help us to feel safe. When we don’t use boundaries, we feel uncomfortable. If I had not had the courage to say what I said in a way that woman could receive it, then I would have had to sit there and listen to perhaps them discuss something that would make me uncomfortable. If Michael didn’t have boundaries, he might have felt obligated to share something with the woman, even though it was an inappropriate question because he wanted to be nice. He wanted to be polite.
Boundaries in dating go hand-in-hand. You have to have clear boundaries in dating, but in life especially because they make you feel safe. They give the relationship structure and we need that so we can relax. I know that you’re going to hear a lot about boundaries on this summit and that’s a great example. I’m glad that you remember that and are sharing it with the ladies. Let’s move on to talking about dating. I would love for you to share your experience online. I know you were online looking for me and it took you as long as it took you. Tell us a little bit about your experience, what you went through, and what it was like dating. The things that you saw that women did that would support them and be able to apply something that could make a difference in how they’re showing up.
I was on Match and for some reason I thought, “I’m not going to put my photos up there. I’m not going to put my profile out there. I’m going to go out and see what happens.” Nothing happened. I finally said, “I’m going to put my photos out there and I’m going to put my profile.” It’s important to make sure you put a profile that is truthful, honest, and realistic about whom you are. I put the profile out there and all of the sudden I was getting all kinds of contacts and dates. I don’t know how many dates I had, but I had 40 to 50. It was a wonderful experience. I never met someone that I didn’t enjoy, but I had no connection with. It was important for me to get out there and put that profile out there. For me, as busy as I am, it was the best way to meet people or meet women. That’s what I was looking for. I was happy when I finally put my profile and everything out online.
You launched your profile. You started the dating process. You went on many dates. Tell me what that was like? Did you feel you improved over time and the beginning it was awkward? How was it for the women? How often did you see them? Did you have any structure around how you were conducting yourself? Was it always dinner? Tell us a little bit about that?
Me personally, and I don’t know how it is for others, but I always invited the woman to have a drink. We met at a nice restaurant bar, very well-known and showed up no matter what. I knew there was a connection or not within a minute or two and it didn’t matter to me. I thought, “I invited this person out for a drink. I’m going to have dinner tonight as well. I might as well have dinner with them,” and I got to know them a little bit. I bought dinner for them and bought drinks. In some cases, I let them know at that point, “I don’t think this is a relationship that’s going to go anywhere.” Sometimes it happened in an email later, but I never had a second date with anyone that I didn’t think I had a good future with. Jaki was the only one over the course of years.
Let’s go back to the check. Without making any assumptions about paying, but where do you stand with that? How did you feel about the dates going on and what was your position on who pays for the check?
In my opinion, if the man doesn’t offer to pay for the check, you have a big red flag. You need to look for that. Don’t ever offer to pay for the check, period. I don’t care if you sit there for ten minutes and stare at each other. Don’t offer to pay for that check. I don’t feel that a woman can’t ask a man out for a drink or a date, but a first red sign if he’s not willing to pay for that. It’s drinks and dinner. I feel strongly about you as a woman not offering and not paying for that first date drink and dinner.
Why do you feel that way? Why do you feel appropriate that you should pay? Where does that come from?
It’s a real sign of what that man is all about. If he’s not willing to pick up the tab, there are signs of his character already. It tells me he’s not a man’s man. I work in a high-profile industry and have friends and business associates at every level. There is not a man that I respect that would not offer to pick that check up. Please, don’t do it.
That’s solid advice. Sit on your hand, ladies. Listen to Michael. You’re worth it and be open to receiving and being interested and curious about what this man in front of you is offering because that’s going to give you a lot of insight into what’s next. If you’re getting the invitation, he’s asking you out, make the assumption that he’s going to take care of it. Here’s my recommendation if he doesn’t. In case this happens to you, so you’ll know what to do. If the check comes and he doesn’t make a move for it and/or he asks you, “Do you want to split it?” What I recommend doing at that point, being graceful about it and acting a little surprised.A man that's interested in you is not going to push you or run away just because you don't have sex after the first couple of dates. Click To Tweet
I want you to receive it gracefully and be like, “Sure.” You can hesitate a little bit. Let him know that you weren’t expecting it, but I would definitely go ahead and split it. That’s why I always encourage you to do a coffee or wine. If that’s the approach of the man, then you’re not out for half of the dinner. That does happen. It’s happened to me once. It might happen to you. Go ahead and be graceful and I wouldn’t recommend going out with him again if you want the man to assume that masculine position. Is there anything you recommend that the ladies don’t do on dates or maybe that the women should be doing? What’s the biggest tip you’ll give them that women should be doing?
There are many of them. I’ll try and cover a couple. The do’s you should do, you need to smile and be fun. I’m going to focus on the smile a little bit. This isn’t just about dating. This is about your entire life. If you want to be recognized, if you want to climb in life, you need to smile. You need to smile wherever you are. You need to make it authentic. You need to make it a part of who you are. You need to let people know you’re happy, you’re friendly. You need to know that they can approach you. Smiling is the biggest asset you can ever have. I do it not because I think, “I need to get something.” When I walk down the street, I walk straight and tall. I have my head up and my eyes are open. I look at people that I’m approaching and I give them a smile. You will not believe the number of people and the friends I have made just by smiling in my office building.
I can’t tell you how many people, especially women who have come up to me and said, “I see you at Starbucks all the time,” and I’ll be in a completely different part of town. I oftentimes don’t even recognize them, but they recognize me because I smile and make their day. Always do that because remember this, whether you’re at a party and hoping to meet somebody there or at any occasion, men are looking at you, no matter where you are. You may not even see them, but they can see if you’re smiling, engaging, and they will make a judgment about you from afar. Remember that. You need to show that you’re a happy and fun person. That’s a critical one. Have a sense of humor. Be conversational. Don’t talk, talk, talk. You want to make sure that you’re having a dialogue with somebody on a date. Have a personality, but make sure it’s your personality and be truthful with who you are. Be yourself.
I like that you said be yourself because sometimes what happens is we get nervous and we are being cautious or we’re wanting to be perceived a certain way. The best way to be perceived as an authentic real person and that would include admitting that, “I’m feeling a little nervous on this date. I’m sorry I’m running late. I was having a bad hair day. I’m sorry I couldn’t find parking,” or whatever. Be okay with where you are and who you are in life because that’s going to be received well.
A few of the don’ts is don’t pay. Please don’t do it. You are showing a negative side, in my opinion. I wouldn’t respect a woman that would pay. I don’t think you should and you shouldn’t respect a man that would think that you should be paying. Other attributes, don’t be negative. Don’t be complaining. Don’t be pushy if you’re starting to date somebody. Don’t be controlling if you’re dating for the second, third or fourth time. Insecurity can come out in a lot of different ways. Don’t try to be insecure. Be confident. Be positive.
This may sound obvious to you, but don’t have sex too soon and that’s important. You don’t want to have sex on your first and second date. You don’t know the man well enough. You don’t know his intentions well enough, so don’t do that. Believe it or not, a man that’s interested in you is not going to push you or run away because you don’t have sex after the first couple of dates. He may do you the best thing ever and run away after you don’t and you learn he was not interested in a long-term commitment. He just wanted to have sex. That’s critical.
That’s where the boundaries come in. Be truthful to what it is that you want to attract. If you’re reading this and you wanted a committed relationship, a man is not expecting you to sleep with him. He wants to get to know you as well. Men want to have sex, but it doesn’t mean he’s going to pressure you. If a man is looking for a long-term relationship, he wants to get to know you as well. Would you agree with that?
I wanted to have sex with you from the moment I saw you, I’ll be honest. We didn’t. I took that pressure home. There’s one other thing. Don’t send nude photos of yourself. I say that because I definitely had that experience on quite a few occasions.
Don’t send pictures that are inappropriate. Keep everything as vanilla as possible until you know what that man’s real intentions are.
This one’s a difficult one but learn to be nonjudgmental. The most nonjudgmental person I know is Jaki. I have learned much from her on how to be more understanding of people. People, especially men on a first date, second date, they will read and realize and determine that you’re being judgmental in a certain way by just what you say, your tone, and your mannerisms. Keep things fun, uplifting, and positive as you get to know the person that you’re dating. You will date them much longer. It may not work out in the long run, but you will make a lot more progress.
Michael said to me about a month into dating, we’d gotten to maybe ten dates, maybe more, maybe less. The point is that we went to a nice restaurant and I don’t remember the exact conversation, but something came up. We were on this topic and he blurts out and he said, “I’m never getting married again.” Do you remember that?
I know right where we were as well.
What did I say when you said that?
I remember saying that to you and you said, “Don’t worry, I’m not going to marry you,” and I thought, “This is great. I’m home free.” Now, look at me. Here I am, married to the most beautiful woman in the world.
What happened for me was when he threw that brick at me, I call it throwing an emotional brick, a lot of women would get up and want to run, shut down the date, and become judgmental. I knew that was coming from fear because everything that Michael had done up to that point, all of his actions had been very supporting of wanting committed relationships. We even discussed it in the beginning. We established that was what we both were interested in. We didn’t know if it was with each other, but we were at least on the same page. Everything that he’d done up to that moment had led me to believe that he was commitment-minded, that he liked a lot about being married, and I could see him married again.
I knew that whatever we had been discussing or something had triggered him and he was having some fears come up. I was able to handle that at the moment with a little humor, but inside I was very disappointed that he said that because it did rock my world a little bit. I handled it with some ease and grace and looked at the overall picture. I wasn’t trying to change Michael. It’s that some things weren’t lining up. We’re married and he came to the realization that he did want that. It’s all about actions. It’s what a man is saying and doing, so you’re watching for that congruency in everything a man says and everything he does if they’re in alignment. I’m not saying don’t listen to a man when he says I’m not going to get married because he might be telling you the truth. In this case, I thought it was a little out of alignment.When a man is using words and telling you he's going to do something, make sure that there is action behind the words. Click To Tweet
When a man is using words and is telling you he’s going to do something, you need to make sure he follows through and that there is action behind the words. Men will say whatever they think they need to say to get rid of the issue, get rid of the subject. If he says he’s going to do something, he better follow-up. That’s a real good man. If they aren’t following up with what they say they’re going to do, then it’s another red flag.
That’s such sage advice. It’s all about the actions and a man might say something but if he’s not doing it, then there’s definitely something you need to be paying attention to. We could go on and on and keep talking. There’s so much that we can share with the ladies. I want to thank you so much for your time and for the beautiful life that we share together. For you being such a man of integrity, a man of your word, and someone I admire and look up to. I love sharing my life with you and I can’t tell you enough how much I appreciate everything that you do for me. Being here to share with the ladies and us modeling for the women that are reading what it looks like and sounds like to have a highly functional, successful, and mature love relationship. Thank you, Michael, for being here. I appreciate your time.
Likewise, I love you. It’s a great relationship and I hear people say, “Marriage and relationships are so much work.” If you do it right, it’s pretty easy. There are always little things here and there, but it’s pretty easy between Jaki and me. We love and respect each other.
Ladies, you heard it from Michael. Keep going. Take those risks. Never give up on love. Thank you again for being a part of this and I look forward to connecting with you as this unfolds.
I love you.
I have one more thing I want to share. We wanted to say one more thing as we were sitting side by side that we want to encourage you to not give up, no matter how long it takes. It might take two years, five years or ten years. You can never give up because love is at the end of it and it will be so worthwhile. You’ll forget about all the dating blues and all the challenges you had. You’ll be a better person for it and then you’ll have love in your life.
Listen to Jaki. Follow her advice. Take more risks. Get out there and do it. The most important thing is you have to do the work. Never give up on love.
Thank you for being here.