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3 Things That Drive Men Away
Not Giving Him Enough Space
I want to talk to you about the three things that drive men away because we don’t want to drive men away. The first one is not giving men enough space. I know this is hard because you meet a guy, or you’re dating the guy or even talking to a guy. You feel things are going well, or you hope they will until you want to talk to him. You want to see him. You want to be in touch with him, but he’s starting to feel there’s too much clinging going on, so he’s starting to pull back, and then you can feel that. That’s because you’re not giving him enough space. The thing is relationships give you more space. You need to trust that when you get into a relationship, you are going to have all the space you need. A man needs to feel that he’s not going to lose his freedom if he gets into a relationship with you. That’s one of the things that will drive a man away if you’re dating him because he feels he’s going to lose his freedom.
The great thing about getting into a relationship; if you do this right, a man will feel he has more freedom because he doesn’t have to worry about dating anymore. He’s found you. He’s in love with you. He’s taking care of you. He can sit back, and that part of his life is resolved. He has more time to focus on all the things that he loves, you, his friends, his work, and all the things that are important to him. If you try to take some of that space away by expecting him to put all of his attention on you, you’re definitely going to drive him away. Remember that we all need our interests. We all need to have our friends. We need to develop and continue to develop those relationships because that’s what makes our relationship healthy.
If you’re feeling clingy, needy, jealous, or resentful of that time that he takes with his friend, you need to look at where that’s coming from. Maybe you’re feeling a little insecure. Perhaps you’ve been hurt in the past, or somebody cheated on you. You’re trying to control the situation in an attempt for you to feel safe, but what you’re doing is pushing him away. You want to take a good look at what you’re doing that might be preventing a man from his privacy. Never check his phone. Don’t read his messages. Don’t dig for information about him. If you feel that there’s something that warrants a conversation, that’s what you need to have. You need to have a conversation with him if you have any suspicions, and you can say something like, “I need help understanding. Will you please help me to understand this?” Ask him to help you understand it, so it doesn’t come across that you’re accusing him of anything.
I give my husband a lot of space. One of the things that we discussed while we were in that commitment phase is that he had all the freedom he needed. I encouraged him to do things and continue to do things with his friends. When he did, I’m like, “Have fun. I’ll see you when you get home. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” That comes from confidence. When you have a lot of self-confidence and high self-worth, you can extend all the freedom you want to your guy because you’re going to notice if anything shifts in your relationship. You’re going to be aware of it. You’re going to trust that you have the tools and the capacity to take care of yourself, to heal yourself, to take care of your own heart if anything does happen. You have to extend trust to your partner, to the man you’re dating. That’s going to keep him coming back for more. The fact that you’re not clingy in a relationship is going to create curiosity on his part and go, “I wonder what she’s doing.” Make sure you have your friends, your interests, and you’re regularly scheduling those things even if you don’t want to. It’s essential to keep that tension on. Keep him wondering about you instead of you always wondering about what he’s doing with his friends.
The Power Struggle
Let’s move onto the second thing that drives men away. This one is a big one for powerful women. The power struggle, that’s what will drive men away. If you have any power struggle with your man. One of the things is paying. That’s a power struggle. I support you not paying for dates. You don’t pay for anything for the least the first several weeks, if not month in the relationship, because you want to see what he’s willing to do for you. That’s going to give you the answers that you need to know if he’s a potential life partner for you. A power struggle could be that you are offering to pay or saying things, and you may not even realize you’re saying things like, “I got it. I’m good. Thanks, but I’ll take care of it.” You might even start noticing if you’re saying those things, even in the store. If you’re reaching up to get something and a man tries to help you, and you’re like, “I got it.” That is a part of this power struggle, and that tells me that you don’t know how to receive. That’s what a power struggle is. You’re not in your feminine energy, and you don’t know how to receive what a man’s offering.
Also, challenging him. Maybe he said something, and you get into a discussion, and you challenge what he’s saying. Men are not threatened by women who have money, who have a better car or even higher education. What will drive men away is if you have a power struggle with them about topics, about their point of view. A man wants to feel like he’s winning with you. If you want a man in your life, you want to keep this in mind. It’s not that you’re dimming your light or stuffing down how you feel, but it’s you recognizing that a man’s a man and they need to feel like a man. If you want a man in your life, these are the principles of having a relationship with a man. Save those great debates for your girlfriends, for your coworkers, and remember that a power struggle with a man is an energy drain. He’s going to choose a woman that’s easier to get along with, that’s more in her feminine energy. Look at where your energy is sourcing. If you’re sourcing from the masculine, you need to do some exercises. You need to do some breathing to get yourself centered, to get yourself into the receiving mode.
Don’t offer to give a man anything, especially gifts. Here’s another little tip I’m going to give you. Gift giving, never give a man a gift that is equal to the one that he gives you. Say a man took you on a trip. If you wanted to give him something because you’re dating him, you could give him a book. That’s what I recommend. Don’t offer to take him on a trip or don’t buy him an expensive dinner. If he buys you a fancy dinner and you’ve been dating him, then you can pick up the breakfast tab or cook him breakfast or get him something small so that he doesn’t feel upstaged by you. A man is uncomfortable with receiving expensive gifts. He doesn’t need you to buy expensive gifts or gifts at all. He wants to do that for you. He wants to be the one that’s giving, and you’re receiving. Anytime you give a man a gift, make sure it’s proportionate. One quarter to his four quarters, a small token of your appreciation. What a man wants from you is verbal appreciation. Say thank you and mean it. Tell them how much you appreciate him. That goes far. It goes much further than anything you could ever give him. These men thrive on the appreciation and gratitude that you will show him because then it makes everything that he does for you worthwhile.
Not Saying What You Mean
The third in my three things that drive men away, and this is a big one, is not saying what you mean. We sometimes think that men can read our minds. We sit there, and we use our body language to communicate, but men don’t pick up on the cues and the body language that women use. They’re looking for a concrete answer. If you don’t communicate what it is you want or if you disagree with something like he’s going out with his friend, and you’re like, “Go ahead,” but on the inside, you’re steaming because you want him to be with you. He’s going to pick up on that energy, and he’s going to resent the fact that you will not say what you mean. You have to learn to communicate. Everything that I’m sharing on these things that drive men away is about communication. If you don’t have straight, candid communication, you can’t solve issues that will threaten a relationship from even starting. It all begins with your ability to communicate and learn how to articulate what it is you want to a man.
Always make an effort to help him to understand you. I still like to say things like, “Help me understand why I feel the way I do?” Men will respond well to that. What you’re saying is, “I’m feeling something. I’m feeling a little out of sorts. Will you help me figure out where it might be coming from?” A man will respond well to that because you’re asking for his help. For one, you’re not accusing him of anything. You’re not defensive. You’re asking for his help to help you understand why you’re feeling a certain way. A man will soften, and he’ll look at you, and he will try to help you figure that out. Make sure that you are excellent and transparent in your communications with men. That’s the thing that’s going to drive them away if you’re not.